Traumatic Day

It was an awful day today I really don't understand what got into me. A demon or devil. I acted bat crazy. Woke up on the wrong note, yelled at myself to not eat before meditating, angry about last night's eating fest when she didn't sleep right away. She woke up with sad tears and I went running. Pressured all morning to get the day done, and she didn't want to sleep in the afternoon. I was thinking about how I am noticing that the whole society does not value the mother child bond how they get nervous with their kids for being needy and throwing tantrums. They don't understand feelings. And John Bradshaw said kids don't know how to stop their feelings from flowing with logic. Abuse causes them to doubt themselves and run the tapes in their head of how bad they were told they are.

Last night when my daughter bit me and I pushed back at her I saw her laugh with surprise, and anger flew in me. I saw how she was scared of me and I felt very dejected and awful. My world spun and I did not know how to respond kindly. I ran out of the room and tried to calm down. She began making sad noises, her sobs caught in her throat. My heart thumped wildly and I felt screaming voices in my head. I waited for her tears and felt a sense of gratitude for them because it showed she cared. I ran to save her, and held her to me. She didn't know what to do. I started crying with all the feelings of guilt and pain within me. From how I was never seen as a baby and child. I begged for understanding as I released my pain. She was smiling up at me calmly. I smiled meekly and than thought of how unworthy I was of being her mother. She fell asleep shortly after and I was so grateful.

So today was a continuation of last night's feelings. I was exhausted and deflated. Thoughts of nobody caring. How scary it was to think that nobody knew what I knew. The closeness a child feels for his mother, and need for her attention. It was overwhelming. And I read Lost and Found in Adoption, in order to understand myself. Adoptees have a lot of grief that comes up in reunion, disappointment that their fantasies of a good mother weren't met. I thought of how my biological mother could not care less about my life,  I mattered just for herself. I felt so numb and unsure of my feelings. I was angry that my baby would not sleep and was so needy. She bit me again and I pushed her down onto the bed and growled angrily. She laughed and my heart shook in terror at what I had done. I couldn't stop myself. I collapsed on the bed with exhaustion. And she wasn't showing her pain on the outside. So I thought maybe it wasn't there. I didn't trust myself to love her.

My husband wasn't understanding and I yelled at him that we couldn't save each other the way we thought the other could, and he was making me feel crazy because I needed to do it alone but his being there distracted me. He got angry. We fought. My daughter got more stressed. Finally he sat me down and said yes we do need to save ourselves, and you pressure yourself too much with meeting her needs when you don't meet your own so you get angry at her and she senses it. I asked defeated, Will you help me? He said yes, and I took his much needed hug.

Teal Swan said in her instagram message of the day that people these days don't realize that grief needs to be felt and not have something "done" about it, such as "move on." This was exactly my issue today, trying to battle my grief. It made me sick, and I feel so empty. I need to accept the downers. It killed me that I mistreated my baby, and even worst that she was so hurt she couldn't express it. I hated myself for struggling so much. I just wanted everything to be good again. But it felt like it would never be good with having nobody in the world on my side. This was another thing that became more conscious to me- that people are affected by each other, and I was hurting the world by my behavior. I protested and fought it because it was too unfair to believe. But I was being too hard on myself and not seeing my true abilities and what I could not do.

I do not know my identity, and always pushed myself to be perfect that now I don't know who I am if I am not wonderful and always doing good. Things got more real, and my husband opened up to me about his pain of not feeling good about his life, and anger at not being able to do what he wants. And his fear about seeing other adults acting like inner wounded children, because he was scared he was like that too. I feel the same way. At least we uncovered our horrible feelings. At least my daughter knows I am there for her, and she finally fell asleep by me at this hour, the end of the day. And I am glad that I know how much I care for her.