Anger Comes To Teach Us Our Pain

Anger was busting through me. Filling my veins and erupting in my chest. I was angry and I confused it with being at my husband. I rethought it because deep down Guilt told me it was not his fault. But I couldn't blame my daughter because that wouldn't be satisfactory. Because she's just a baby and they can't take responsibility. But I knew that the anger stemmed from me. From feeling like I was worthless and undeserving of getting my way. So I passive aggressively took it out on my husband, withholding my loving action from him. Punishing him for my sorrow. But I knew it wasn't his fault. That he couldn't help not being able to be there for me fully. That he was just a lost child like me inside too. Still, it felt soo good to blame him. Get revenge for my pain. But it was because of something that happened a long time ago. The pain was too familiar and deep. It was time to face it. I recall it from so many other times. When I didn't get my way. The stubborn blame and lashing out at those who were there to take it. My mother. My brother. A friend. A lover. It was time for little me to face her own destruction.

The truth was, I was angry that my daughter couldn't sleep because of her trauma feelings, so we could go out for our special outting, angry that I had to be a good mom, not ignore her needs of sleep because that made me selfish and uncaring. And I COULDN'T be that kind of Mom. And I was also angry that the train to get to our destination would take so long, and I'd feel awkward with strangers as usual. And that my daughter would be shunned by one of them as she usually is, unhealthy people are everywhere. I was also angry that I was so needy and immature that I worried about losing my fun and enjoyment. And wouldn't be able to relax to put her to sleep calmly because of it. Her sensing my tension as usual. Last, I was angry that my husband didn't seem to care about me because he couldn't listen last night to my tears and bother coming to hug me. That was the last thing that got in my way of going out to our outing, but I blamed it ALL on that just to show him. The other things did not give me satisfaction. But as I sat there with my anguish, I KNEW it was wrong and wrung my mind to empty it from that blame on my husband. And turn to the truth, the shame if my neediness which was covered with the anger. And then I realized that it was time to change my old belief system and make new memories. Ones that served me, as Ralph Smart says.

Then I set my daughter down and sat by the computer with some snacks to make myself feel calmer. I figured it would do me well to try to find my senses before he came home. It was more subconscious because consciously I was still ready to pounce. Then, amid my delicious coffee and banana nice cream and crackers, I heard a squishy sound. I turned around and there my daughter was, covered in detergent. She learned to unscrew the bottle. I shrieked like a mad woman and grabbed her and put her in the bathtub. Then I grabbed her clothing off and started to rinse her, continuing my screaming. Hell. Then my husband walked in. He said, "what happened?" And I pointed. He said, take a deep breath. I screeched and pushed him, "Don't try to get rid of my anger. Let me scream! I am MAD!" My daughter got more scared from the yelling at him than the yelling from the mess. I slowly calmed down, and yelled at him again because he started cleaning. I said I didn't need him to make it better, besides I wanted to clean it in my way, saving the detergent for later use. After a while, and it was cleaned and he helped me a bit, we spoke about everything calmly. I told him about the Ralph Smart video about being an old soul, meaning that you know what lifestyle you want to follow and you are good at things that you have done other lifetimes. He agreed to being one. And I said we know that life is meant to enjoy, and rules meant to be broken. We spoke about how we needed to let go and enjoy more. I said I don't know what I want sometimes and it causes me to suffer. 

Oddly enough, the detergent incident turned out to be good because it let me yell my frustration out. And I feel good about myself for how I handled it. I CAN be a good house-wife, and all the criticism my sister and mother made me feel that I was small and bad at any housekeeping was false. I have known how to do this for lifetimes, it comes natural to me. I am proud of being human and myself. Flaws can be worked on.

       Whenever we get upset it comes to teach us our feelings. When we learn where it's from and it's NOT our fault, we can stop feeling the anger and have relief.