Birth Therapist And Being Mirrored

        Things are going very well. I promised myself to be better, and see good in life so I fell asleep at peace. The next day I was having my new therapist for birth trauma appointment, and I was hoping for the best. Woke up early and let my daughter sleep as much as she could because last night did not go perfect and she only fell asleep at 12:30. So at 10 I got her up and empathized with her as she cried from tiredness. We got there at 10:30, which the 15 extra minutes she told me she needed worked perfectly.

          I was strong in my confidence and was not fully sure if I could trust her. I questioned her every time I felt she was not really understanding, like when she seemed to be telling me that I had to let my daughter go out and be her own person, and I said I was doing that and recognized that she needed it, but that I had a hard time with recognizing where my own needs prevented me from seeing hers. Such as when she was cranky and I wanted her to sleep because I needed space. She asked me to explain adoption issues to me. I was very wary of how she would take it, as I explained that most people don't believe babys "remember" the trauma of losing their mother and they tell us to be grateful. She said of course it's a trauma and she doesn't think that. She explained her own childhood of having heard that her mother had her to be a sibling to her brother. I was nervous that she was interpreting my trauma as being "just another trauma out there," and questioned how that was relevant to my adoption trauma. She explained that we all feel differently, and was trying to add to the conversation... I said I still felt she was minimizing it, and she said no she was not and she agreed that a baby losing their mother would be much more traumatic than what she went through in comparison. I was relieved. I told her about how children feel guilt if their mothers say something bad of them, because they see their mother and father as powerful and cannot see them as faulty because it threatens their life. I told her straight off the bat that I didn't trust anyone, not therapists, not religious people, not "grown-ups." She heard me out and said it is true, there is a lot of hypocrisy. I relished in telling her of all the religious teachings from school that messed with my mind, making me separate my desires from who I was and feeling accessive guilt for all of them because of how they taught us that all desires are bad. She said she sees people with the same problems, unsure about asserting themselves in the bedroom... I told her about how I listen to some religious mentors because I trust them, because they do not try to change me and understood that each person needs different approaches, and were kind to me. Even though I do not agree with them at times. She complimented me that she saw that I was very aware and they were, too. I felt good, like we were having a 2 sided talk and no one was higher than the other. I realized that I used to be terrified of voicing my true feelings by my old therapists because I didn't trust in them.  She kept listening to me and I stopped her each time I felt uncomfortable with what she said. For example, when she said how anger can be bad when people let it eat at them. I said anger is not negative, it shows us our limits. Who we are and why we are hurt. We need to explore it and  why we have it. I explained that our egos need to be paid attention to because they are US and can't suppress them. We spoke about her emotional therapy that she took training in, and how it is about validating the others' side always. We said perhaps it'll help to bring another person in like my husband or mother to help us understand the other. I finally told her that I trusted her, and she said "Good I was waiting with bated breath from the beginning." I apologized for my anger and explained how I was used to holding in my thoughts to make the therapist feel good, and she said well then I was being THEIR therapist. She said earlier that therapists are just meant to be your mirror and understand what you feel. I appreciated her. She said at least I HAVE a relationship with  brother, the bad too. It can always change from there. She saw how I was a grounded and strong person.

          I told the therapist that my mother spoiled us rotten. She did because she was always giving in to me when I yelled at her. Trying to pacify my feelings. This is exactly what I'm scared of doing to my own daughter. Kids need to be believed in that they can handle life's adversity. If they are too cushioned, they will not feel confident in being strong when they face opposition.

        It was awesome and I feel heard by the human race. We spoke about how humans are here with free choice, and can manifest their lives by connecting to G-d. I said that was why we were on the physical plane, to do and create things. It is not all G-d's job, as I was so confusedly taught to believe. We need to do the steps, and believe G-d is there for us all along the way.