Children Are Not To Blame For Their Parent's Pain

-
         I wonder if this means the pain is going to end. I wonder if there is an end to it all. I know where it all comes from now. That is why I feel so nonchalant now. I said my truth, I got it heard. So now what? Am I cured? Can all my problems end? I went home, and watched my kid. We went shopping for food. Then there was a blank time space and I felt low again. Things looked wonderful and TOO good before. My daughter started to bother me with her curiosity and exploring, dropping things in the street as we walked. I became bored and non-interested in her. And I have an hour and a half till my husband comes home, saving me from this boredom and prison. But Why? Why can't I enjoy my life with my daughter? Something is nagging at me. That old unhappiness and self-doubt that I deserve to be happy. I feel too ungrateful, and I judge myself. I started crying when listening to a sad song, about searching for something and feeling lost. Like the guy in the store that was flirting with me and felt like I can give him the high he is looking for in life. I felt sorry that I could not. I am lost too, and besides I am married with a child. I read today on Aware Parenting and Attachment Play Facebook group about advice on how to have patience for your child when you are hurt. To separate yourself from the emotions they made you feel and not attributing it to them, focus on the pain in your body for 90 seconds. That should give you time to hold a space for them to see them.


        I am wallowed in pain. I wonder now if this was the cure all along to our ancestors and parents who abused us because of their own emotional baggage. Because of the wars and tortures they endured, they could not be there emotionally present for their kin. Did they just need to separate their pain from their child, and not cause them to feel shame for it? Would that have caused their children to feel loved and emotionally healthy and regulated? To grow up to be functioning, self-actualized and potential recognized adults?? I wonder if knowing my pain and not blaming my daughter for it now will help turn her healthy. I do see her sad when I am pained and crying. I hope for G-d's sake that she doesn't feel it's her fault. I will tell her it's not.

         

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more