Enmeshment with Mom Again.
My mother came over because I invited her for her birthday, and I was baking a delicious cake so I figured it'll be a present for her. I told myself that I would not sink into pleasing her, and all would be good because we would be honest.
She came and sat herself down in the small room while i got ready. She was very cordial and looked through my pictures, most of them being of my birth family, and she mentioned later on that she didn't see any of her and her grandchild disappointedly. I rushed to explain that I had only developed a batch of the ones of my birth family reunion, because I could not afford to develop all. I look back now and see how enmeshed of me that was. My brother came over too, and he seemed very jovial and I was very happy with that. I enjoyed how he seemed to see everyone's feelings clearly, and joked about things lightly. Like how we get mad at each other but since we apologize later, we are still good. My mother was eerily silent, and did not know what to do with the information. She got angry when my brother brought up an annoyance he had at her, as he sometimes does when he is extremely angry with her cold shoulder at him. She ignored his claims and shushed him saying, "I'm not talking about it now." Pointedly. He got angry and muttered, "You're a narcissist." Which I suspect he picked up from me, and I laughed inside. He then tried to get me on his side and be against how she was acting, and I knew it was not right so I said that they both have their own sides that they can't see each other. My mother shot me an angry, indignant look and called me disrespectful, and how dare I TALK ABOUT MY mother that way. Brother got mad at me that I shut up after that, and said it showed I was on her side. I looked down at my plate and felt the arrows piling into me and sighed. I repeated that they needed to work it out themselves. I joked earlier that they were fighting like a old married couple, and my mother got very indignant again and brother angry. It was insane. He walked out angrily at me. I was relieved, because now the civilized people were left and we wouldn't blow up at each other.
My mother ate in silence, and seemed to bask in our company. She got angry at us when we stated how people were not nice to us sometimes, saying that we were negative. I knew it was her point of view not being able to take negativity, she was too ignorant and liked to live in fantasy. But her overeating despite saying she couldn't or wouldn't eat this or that was too much showed her uncontrollable emotions inside. My daughter came out and she jumped up excitedly and started cooing uncontrollably at her. My daughter watched startled. My husband thankfully said she was too tired and that she wasn't into that.
I then brought up some John Bradshaw talks about the inner child, and how he had to leave his dysfunctional home being guided by the grown up self, because the enmeshment and abuse prevented him from moving on. She listened politely. I went on seeing my opening, and explained how children do not know better and feel powerless when a parent is over them and abuses them, even emotionally. It affects their development and causes shame and trauma until adulthood, or until they go into the pain and see it was not their fault. They need to detach from their parents. I got very emotionally and my voice shook a bit, and she watched as if detached, lips tightened. She said okay, I hear, awkwardly. I wondered if the implications of it being about her as well sunk in. I wonder if she saw how she caused me to be unsure of my own worth, too. I explained how Bradshaw said that children who are not allowed to feel their bad emotions detach from it, and split off to become "a good girl," and disown those parts in themselves, feeling shame of it. I wonder if she caught that she had those problems with her cold detached father (and maybe mother), the feelings she had of not being able to connect on a deeper level with anyone. She acted like a child with friends, running around on vacations to "relax" and unwind. And she still stayed with her divorced spouse keeping him company for "kindness's sake," for hours on end. It was obvious that she was lost. I them told her that the fact that I was not visiting my husband's parents with my daughter, keeping her "away" from her grandparents, was not any worst then how she kept me away from my birth parents. She almost shouted, "I did not want you to be hurt and confused by having two sets of parents... Your birth mother was strange and she came to your school and I did not tell you as a child.." I said it would have still been better for me to know them. She got up and said she had to go. She was very disturbed. I instantly felt old shame and guilt, and tried to pacify her by saying, "I love you Mom." I did not mean it that much. I see that I learned to parent her from when I was a kid.
The emotions of anger from her physical and emotional abuse are still stuck in me, and I am disgusted from her behavior.
She came and sat herself down in the small room while i got ready. She was very cordial and looked through my pictures, most of them being of my birth family, and she mentioned later on that she didn't see any of her and her grandchild disappointedly. I rushed to explain that I had only developed a batch of the ones of my birth family reunion, because I could not afford to develop all. I look back now and see how enmeshed of me that was. My brother came over too, and he seemed very jovial and I was very happy with that. I enjoyed how he seemed to see everyone's feelings clearly, and joked about things lightly. Like how we get mad at each other but since we apologize later, we are still good. My mother was eerily silent, and did not know what to do with the information. She got angry when my brother brought up an annoyance he had at her, as he sometimes does when he is extremely angry with her cold shoulder at him. She ignored his claims and shushed him saying, "I'm not talking about it now." Pointedly. He got angry and muttered, "You're a narcissist." Which I suspect he picked up from me, and I laughed inside. He then tried to get me on his side and be against how she was acting, and I knew it was not right so I said that they both have their own sides that they can't see each other. My mother shot me an angry, indignant look and called me disrespectful, and how dare I TALK ABOUT MY mother that way. Brother got mad at me that I shut up after that, and said it showed I was on her side. I looked down at my plate and felt the arrows piling into me and sighed. I repeated that they needed to work it out themselves. I joked earlier that they were fighting like a old married couple, and my mother got very indignant again and brother angry. It was insane. He walked out angrily at me. I was relieved, because now the civilized people were left and we wouldn't blow up at each other.
My mother ate in silence, and seemed to bask in our company. She got angry at us when we stated how people were not nice to us sometimes, saying that we were negative. I knew it was her point of view not being able to take negativity, she was too ignorant and liked to live in fantasy. But her overeating despite saying she couldn't or wouldn't eat this or that was too much showed her uncontrollable emotions inside. My daughter came out and she jumped up excitedly and started cooing uncontrollably at her. My daughter watched startled. My husband thankfully said she was too tired and that she wasn't into that.
I then brought up some John Bradshaw talks about the inner child, and how he had to leave his dysfunctional home being guided by the grown up self, because the enmeshment and abuse prevented him from moving on. She listened politely. I went on seeing my opening, and explained how children do not know better and feel powerless when a parent is over them and abuses them, even emotionally. It affects their development and causes shame and trauma until adulthood, or until they go into the pain and see it was not their fault. They need to detach from their parents. I got very emotionally and my voice shook a bit, and she watched as if detached, lips tightened. She said okay, I hear, awkwardly. I wondered if the implications of it being about her as well sunk in. I wonder if she saw how she caused me to be unsure of my own worth, too. I explained how Bradshaw said that children who are not allowed to feel their bad emotions detach from it, and split off to become "a good girl," and disown those parts in themselves, feeling shame of it. I wonder if she caught that she had those problems with her cold detached father (and maybe mother), the feelings she had of not being able to connect on a deeper level with anyone. She acted like a child with friends, running around on vacations to "relax" and unwind. And she still stayed with her divorced spouse keeping him company for "kindness's sake," for hours on end. It was obvious that she was lost. I them told her that the fact that I was not visiting my husband's parents with my daughter, keeping her "away" from her grandparents, was not any worst then how she kept me away from my birth parents. She almost shouted, "I did not want you to be hurt and confused by having two sets of parents... Your birth mother was strange and she came to your school and I did not tell you as a child.." I said it would have still been better for me to know them. She got up and said she had to go. She was very disturbed. I instantly felt old shame and guilt, and tried to pacify her by saying, "I love you Mom." I did not mean it that much. I see that I learned to parent her from when I was a kid.
The emotions of anger from her physical and emotional abuse are still stuck in me, and I am disgusted from her behavior.
Comments
Post a Comment