Expectations of My Feeling Happy Cause Me To Be Out Of Wack

      So I realized why I have been so depressed now. I have been trying to jump spirituality, skipping over my feelings. I figured since I understood things, I should be happy and connected. But I was ignoring my needs. Telling myself they were wrong. Before we connect to G-d we have to feel connected to ourselves, then others. I was not feeling connected to myself fully, and certainly not others. I felt ignored and hated by others. For having emotions- for being me.

         My adoptive mother snapped at me and tried to remove me from my emotions by saying she understood, but seemed to only understand from the outside. She then was annoyed at me for my daughter crying when she grabbed her from my arms. Saying it was MY fault that my daughter didn't want her to hold her. As if that was terrible. I was soooo angry. But I still stupidly tried to make her mood better by inviting her over for a meal if she wanted. She pounced on that, saying she would call me later to invite herself.

      Then there were my heavy feelings from the adoptive meeting of feeling alien around others, and how much I felt in common with those people. It made me feel lost in my life outside them. And I do not get out much, because I don't have good company to be with. 

        And my brother isolated himself from me once again, coming over all smiles but then ignoring our plans the next day. And I haven't heard a word from him since. I feel he doesn't trust me and it hurts. To feel blamed and like I'm bad in his eyes.

        I need some people to connect with. I saw that when I find a relevant post on Instagram it lifts my mood, seeing that others get my humor or situation I go through. So it makes me addicted to checking it. But I am not truly connecting because they do not know me.

         All these high spiritual expectations of myself are destroying my happiness too, because I am used to spirituality having to mean I am always happy. And bluntly, I am not.