"Family Heros" and Overworking and Feeling Unworthy

          Mark Smith said in The Agony Of The Over-functioning "Family Hero" very important things to me. He says we are overachievers who are saving the family's name from dysfunction by doing great things. Like becoming professionals, hardworking, always trying to do the best we can ... But then we never feel enough because our parents instilled in us that we will never be enough for their acceptance. Many "family heros" will never think that they are, he excuses his language, effed-up because they see themselves as successful and doing great on the outside. But they themselves are a big problem to their own families because they will also instill in their children that they will never be enough no matter what they do, and they can never feel good about themselves and relax. Many become alcoholics, but not enough to ruin their jobs or money-income, so they seem in control. They can be over cleaners in order to feel control over their lives. But again, they won't see themselves as problematic because on the outside they're doing fine.

           I am a "family hero," too. I constantly overwork myself and feel guilty and punish myself for not having a "good" job, and I don't feel good about being the home-mother I am. This is why I get insulted from all those people who say being a home-mother is stupid and useless. I do not feel good or proud of the work I do with playing and being with my kid, because I feel outwardly shamed for my position. I try to clean and cook for my home, but that too feels worthless to me so I get discouraged and think what's the point of it all. As Abby Miller says in Old Souls and Fragmentation, our inner feminine is shamed greatly by the masculine, which shuns it as stupid or unproductive. I am like her, I also have a weak inner feminine from all the times I was embarrassed and shamed for having feelings. Being feminine is to be vulnerable, and accept your feelings as true, which many people are scared of because it is painful. Painful to face trauma and abuse that was done to them. Abby works tirelessly in clearing her pain and her daughter's pain, facing the fragmentation that disowns the feelings. The masculine, intellect that says there is no room for this pain because we must be happy to productive. It is a lie, and the world needs duality of the dark and light. It is a lie to deny yourself of your feelings. We do it all too often run from pain, and femininity is beautiful because it is honest! We cannot be only one-sided, it'll teeter us off-balance and leave us on the ground wondering what went wrong.

           Mark Smith says that we need to face the vulnerable feeling inside that causes us to need to overcompensate in achievements, and let ourselves feel. We don't always let ourselves cry because we feel shame in it, but it is selfish and causes our near and dear to suffer because of our selfish selflessness.

          Mark Smith says we have a hard time knowing how to relax. This is true with my husband and I, even when relaxing our minds are spinning with things we must be doing instead. We do not give ourselves permission to be happy, feeling shame from our childhood roots when we were just kids. We couldn't enjoy ourselves because our atmospheres told us we had to work to be deserving. 

         This is the thing I was thinking. My very religious upbringing caused me to think that facing pain is not allowed, that we all have to have strong faith and that is true strength. The thing was, it caused me to think listening to my feelings was a sin, and bad. The opposite of the truth. It was religious-shaming, and I don't think it'll be so easy to undo. That is why I think I will need to move away from my community and seek more self-accepting people to refresh me. I am coming to realize that my inner world holds the most say in how I deal with the world, and the more I strengthen it the more I do not accept outside abuse for it. I just don't tolerate it anymore. I just turn away most people in my life to protect my inner self, and I do it easily now more than before. Down with the family adoption group on Facebook, it hurt me too much. I am not shaming myself for being victim-like, I acknowledge that they are unsafe. It angers me greatly that so many adoptive Moms have their heads in the clouds, and I guess I cannot face that now because my pain and anger is too great. They live their own lives and I cannot force them to see my truth, or a lot of other adoptees truths that are very much legit. I need to strengthen my acceptance of my pain. I still get affected by their denial of it, so it must not be established enough yet in me.

  

          It hurts, to feel this low and worthless. I noticed my birth father feels this way too because of what he went through, and I see his humility and it's refreshing. It connects him to people because he is so accepting and non-judgemental of them. Many do not accept him, because he lives from his emotional side so much and they hate the weakness, because it threatens their own way of living in their masculinity and ignoring femininity. But I find it beautiful because he can flow with anyone who wants to connect with him.

          You can run and run from pain, but it'll always be there inside of you until you face it. And that will only make you humble and pleasant to be around. Facing the pain means you no longer beat yourself up for having it there, you can accept that it's there and will not destroy you, it'll only make you feel lighter. Well, eventually after you break the resistance.