Grieving My Losses

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           Was chatting with a biological cousin, about a baby she just had. It opened me up to my trauma. In that I really did have it hard by not knowing my birth family, aside from pictures and visiting. She made it seem so easy that we were talking, but I sensed the confusion and anxiety behind it. Like one of us would be cut off. That is our undertone, in every interaction I have with any birth family member. I looked back on my pictures from the reunions, choosing which ones to show her not to scare her away, and realized that it was normal and regular that I had a hard time living life regularly now. Hell, even before I met everyone I did, but now my life was kind of in limbo. I cannot expect myself to be perfect and successful. I have a lot of questions about myself. I am grieving my losses. Somehow my pain always takes me back to remember that.

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