Intrinsic Love Exists

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           I realized that my daughter knows I love her without my having to show it. Lisa Romano wrote on Facebook that a mother and child have a biological bond that, unless the mother breaks it, cannot be broken. I do care for her and have not broken my love for her. I think that every day that goes by with my showing her care builds up her trust in me, that even if I ignore her once she'll still believe I care. Also, she feels my love intrinsically, so it's more important that I continue to love her and take care of myself so I can do that inside. And not resent her for not letting me attend to my needs.

            My husband and I both have a perfect complex which does not let us make mistakes. We either see ourselves as perfect or bad fully. Therefore we beat ourselves up when one thing goes wrong. It is not reality, and it is caused by the shame we felt for any mistake we made as children and feeling never good enough.


           I was thinking. Adoptees feel magical because they almost don't exist because birth family is gone. When I saw my face in the mirror reflecting my birth parents, I came back to earth and into my body. The pretend game is over, I can no longer get away with feeling special and above the law. I am woman born from woman. 

             Therefore I have to take care of myself to know I am okay and love myself. My daughter will be okay, she knows I love her deep down and from all the good times we had. All the memories mean something.

           When we visited my birth father one last time before we left, I felt empty inside and didn't feel like smiling so much as usual. He was also very straightforward, and asked when we plan on moving and seemed relieved that we were. He encouraged us and seemed to be truly in ecstasy that we visited. When we left, I felt a tinge of sadness that I was leaving my father. I really felt we needed each other and knew each other, even though none were true. I guess spiritually it was true. My husband also felt sad to leave and enjoyed seeing him again.

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