Learning Boundaries

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          So I put up a boundary when I needed one desperately. I went for my therapy session with my daughter and I noticed that the therapist was totally disregarding my discomfort and was trying to act all sunny, like when I said my daughter is stressed so can't sleep she said at least she is comfortable and looks well taken care of. I felt she didn't see me at all and was trying to downplay how I felt. I felt violated. I was in a bad mood and she was all cheerful. When I said I'm fine when she asked how I am, I had to lie because I felt uncomfortable saying how down and anxious I was. She reminded me of my ever cheerful mother. Smiling in the face of my pain. I wanted to scream as she happily bobbed on about how she started learning to play piano. I said yes I am artistic and she said I can develop it later in life, if I'm ready. She was trying to FIX me! I was furious and I said I did not feel she could help me.

         Her face was red and she chirped that she understands if that is how I feel it was okay. I said yes and I'm going to leave now. I felt bad for her. She claimed that she wanted to help me help myself. I doubted she thought she really could. She could not hear her intuition, because if she could she should have picked up that I was upset and explored that. She was blinded to bad moods. It really hurt and made me feel rejected. 

      I read in The Intimacy Factor by Pia Melody that when babies are traumatized, age 0 to 5, when they are triggered they disassociate and become flooded with emotions they cannot deal with. This happens to me every day, at one time or another. I am triggered when people seem to not get me. My daughter triggers this in me when I see her upset and I feel pain at having been not good enough to help her. So I can't face her pain and it's too much so I get stressed. I can't face my pain. So she senses it and in turn feels the helplessness I feel. Pia Melody explains that it is a way of affecting the child's emotions to see their parents not being able to control their own. This is why I realized that it's impossible to put her to sleep when I am out of control of how I feel. So today, when we got home I separated myself from her and worked on my emotions and did not try to "save her" from what I thought she needed saving from. I realized it was not her pain, and that she was content with me being near her. I put her to sleep quickly and effortlessly. This is how my husband does it, he does not fake his feelings when he is frustrated in order to make her feel calm. He just rocks her and lets her be herself. She whined a bit, but nothing over the top, and I listened quietly and kept rocking.

          The therapist told me I am bright and will be able to get help myself. I know that. It doesn't change the fact that she can't help me because she can't see and bring to light my emotions. I actually feel untrusting of her and it doesn't fit. We can't force relationships if there is a bad vibe. I am not going to let myself be uncomfortable just because I don't want to hurt her. She made me feel uncomfortable about myself and I have a right to my feelings. 

      

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