Listening to Baby's Tears

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        Babies force us to be present with our emotions. I was in the trauma vortex with mine because she wouldn't sleep, and my mind went to million places of not being able to sleep myself, having things to do in the morning that I need her to sleep enough before, that I'm a terrible person because I had no patience for my baby.... All made me wanna blow up. But I didn't and I sat in them for a while and it felt terrible. Not all moments are going to be good, and that is life. I felt like I was losing my sanity. I did not want to hurt my daughter, but I did not feel like listening to her feelings at all. And she can sense that, which is why she wouldn't sleep. I took a breather in the bathroom, and suddenly I realized it was all not worth it. I loved my child, and I needed to be there for her. Her soul is crying for it, and so is mine because we are connected. Even though I may not always see it. And I calmed down suddenly, and I realized that the minute I see that I am not awful and I do love my baby, then all the past things I did wrong to her no longer weighs me down. I believe that I didn't mean it, that I'm loving and not harsh as my actions showed. And then she sensed my love too, and like magic she was happy. She is always happy when I hold her, but this time she was calm too because she knew I meant the care I gave and I believed in my love for her. So we won't go swimming tomorrow morning before we leave this hotel, and we may miss out on her full sleep. She's sleeping peacefully finally though, and I didn't give up on her.

        I noticed with a baby that an old friend of mine was watching, when she woke up and I smiled at her lovingly, she looked at me like I was from the moon. Dazed and confused. As she warmed up to me, and my daughter watched her too, she suddenly burst into repressed tears. I held her lovingly, but then thought that maybe she was unfamiliar with me and scared so I brought her to the friend. I should have listened to my gut though, because my friend just shushed her and tried to stuff the pacifier in her mouth. To which she wasn't interested, and continued crying. Then the friend blamed it on me saying I must have triggered her cries because I was unfamiliar. I knew better, though and knew the kid finally was able to cry her repressed tears.

      I wish my daughter would cry more openly, instead she just chokes out bitter tears when she reaches her limit of pain. That is why I have so much trouble putting her to sleep. She doesn't feel connected, and is hurt from the way I treated her during the day. It's a cycle, because I still don't have patience listening to her feelings now and they get further repressed. At wits end at times.

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