My Locked Away Childhood Self, Lost Memories
My daughter is so cute she sticks things in a big party bag and walks around the kitchen like a little Mom. She takes out my old phone case, a shoe, and other things. She reminds me very much of myself, especially how she says, "Come on," as her first word, which was one of my firsts too.
We were playing with old Polaroids that I found from the past, and I was studying the ones with my 4 year old self smiling and making these deeply-staring looks. I wondered ironically what I was like, and if looking at them can help me jog memories of the past, which are soo blurry. I went to sleep and had a dream about some competition of myself and a childhood friend from playgroup, and how I felt totally on the outside and like a weirdo, always losing and trying to come in on time at the last minute. I woke up and remembered my first memory of going to daycare, and how different I felt. I did not want to leave, but I did not feel safe with my Mom either. I stared out the window conflicted. And the rest is blurry. But I remember hating it all. John Bradshaw says you cannot change your childhood to make it better, but you can get yourself away from the sadness you felt and still feel inside. And I still feel it now. Every time I encounter new places and people, I freak out and feel like a weirdo. And I am terrified my daughter will have the same experience.
So with those narcissistic adoptive mothers in the Adoption Families Facebook Group, I say that they want to avoid facing their kid's trauma, and believe that it'll never affect them as much as abusive situations they would be in in their biological families. They will never understand how I felt as a kid, so misunderstood and unloved. And it is still with me now. They do not want to go to the emotional aspect of a person. It is a shame.
I was reading Carol Schaefer's The Other Mother, and she was saying how she lost a lot of her memories of her life after she gave up her baby son for adoption, and she learned she couldn't trust the world. They did not let her own her feelings of losing her motherhood, and made her pretend nothing happened that she wouldn't get over. The women in her life shut her down, and this was why she couldn't trust women subconsciously. Once she realized this, she was able to overlook that bias and get a woman therapist, who showed her how compassionate and understanding women can be. I have the same problem, and it is why I do not trust people and women subconsciously.
Hell, I can't even trust myself to be there for my daughter. My mind is elsewhere half the time, and I wonder how she will ever feel my love. I am missing a part of me, and I am terrified that she will be damaged by me. That is why we need to work together. Her with her trauma of not trusting humanity because of how they forced her out and she had no control, and me with my uncertainty of my identity. Sometimes, like earlier, we connect and laugh and love. I believe we can do it. I just need to be more in touch with my emotions and figure myself out better.
We were playing with old Polaroids that I found from the past, and I was studying the ones with my 4 year old self smiling and making these deeply-staring looks. I wondered ironically what I was like, and if looking at them can help me jog memories of the past, which are soo blurry. I went to sleep and had a dream about some competition of myself and a childhood friend from playgroup, and how I felt totally on the outside and like a weirdo, always losing and trying to come in on time at the last minute. I woke up and remembered my first memory of going to daycare, and how different I felt. I did not want to leave, but I did not feel safe with my Mom either. I stared out the window conflicted. And the rest is blurry. But I remember hating it all. John Bradshaw says you cannot change your childhood to make it better, but you can get yourself away from the sadness you felt and still feel inside. And I still feel it now. Every time I encounter new places and people, I freak out and feel like a weirdo. And I am terrified my daughter will have the same experience.
So with those narcissistic adoptive mothers in the Adoption Families Facebook Group, I say that they want to avoid facing their kid's trauma, and believe that it'll never affect them as much as abusive situations they would be in in their biological families. They will never understand how I felt as a kid, so misunderstood and unloved. And it is still with me now. They do not want to go to the emotional aspect of a person. It is a shame.
I was reading Carol Schaefer's The Other Mother, and she was saying how she lost a lot of her memories of her life after she gave up her baby son for adoption, and she learned she couldn't trust the world. They did not let her own her feelings of losing her motherhood, and made her pretend nothing happened that she wouldn't get over. The women in her life shut her down, and this was why she couldn't trust women subconsciously. Once she realized this, she was able to overlook that bias and get a woman therapist, who showed her how compassionate and understanding women can be. I have the same problem, and it is why I do not trust people and women subconsciously.
Hell, I can't even trust myself to be there for my daughter. My mind is elsewhere half the time, and I wonder how she will ever feel my love. I am missing a part of me, and I am terrified that she will be damaged by me. That is why we need to work together. Her with her trauma of not trusting humanity because of how they forced her out and she had no control, and me with my uncertainty of my identity. Sometimes, like earlier, we connect and laugh and love. I believe we can do it. I just need to be more in touch with my emotions and figure myself out better.
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