Seeing My Childhood Programming And How I Escaped Through Mirroring In My Brother

         Meeting my brother showed (shouted at) me a lot of things. He mirrors to me how we were brought up, all the unhealthiness and mistrust and codependency. He is a lot more shut down than me, low energy. Because he is still with them in the toxic environment. It was fascinating to me to see our "programmed" reactions and distrust of each other. For example, we both felt responsible to bring the other up, and felt like not doing so was selfish. But we were both aware of our enmeshed attachment to others and were trying to insert a boundary.

       The first thing that happened was he was very late, and although he promised 2 minutes to be there he took twenty. I was pissed and cursing him inside, as the weather was cold and my daughter was with me and this wasn't the first time he stood me up after offering to go for lunch with me. I was about to buy myself a coffee and relax myself, setting a boundary not to trust him again, when the phone rang and he was ready to meet. I spilled my annoyance at him, and said I was upset that he made me wait. He was shocked and said sorry. I met him and told him it was a full twenty minutes, and I was beginning to lose trust in him for the other times. He was surprised again, asking when it had happened. I said he has canceled before, and he argued that he never did and he always told me not to expect him when he was invited to eat by us, and that I had false memories. I was angry and said it was not true, and then noticed his face fallen and said as long as he was sorry I would forgive him. I realized that I am not usually so outspoken about my feelings, and felt proud of myself for my new assertion. I knew he was going through a lot with his life and confusion about his identity. We walked, and made small talk. I was careful not to bring up touchy subjects. He mentioned that he stopped working but that our Mom gave him money for lunch. I said that's good, at least she helps you out. He was quiet. We went to the store, and in his usual fashion he took his food and offered to pay for me. I took his ten dollars and used a credit card to pay for the total, which was slightly over it. I thought of giving him the difference in change another time.

           We sat down and he moved his food away from my baby daughter's funny sniffing of her nose, which she does as a habit. He laughed at it humorously and I said it's a nervous habit. He said, I thought it might be from stress but babies don't get stressed do they? I said sure they do, they have feelings as well. He backed off and said nevermind let's not get into it. Knowing that I was very passionate about the subject. I felt a bit stifled. He said he knows, because he remembers his feelings as a child... I said yes, do you remember when Mom used to hit us and grab our ears? He shut it down, saying yes but it was okay she was good. I said, yes mothers get nervous with their kids I should know because I sometimes feel like hitting but I never would because I realize it is because I need time to myself. He was shocked that I would even do such a thing in the first place. He said, hesitantly, well, she won't feel unloved because she is not..adopted. I beamed and said I know and have to reinforce it, because I still believe it because of myself... I was proud that he was slowly agreeing with adoption issues. He said let's not get into it, it's the past. I said we all have sensitive topics we do not want to talk about because he said he didn't like to talk about our birth family either, because I mentioned how he looked more like our biological half-sister than me. He said it hurts him and he feels everyone looks like themselves and it doesn't matter. I nodded tensely. I felt stiff. He again said he had no appetite and couldn't finish his food. While I was still hungry but felt guilty for his loss of appetite, thinking it was always when we was with me that he lost it. I wondered if I was boring and tense to be with. We left curtly, and I parted ways and he said it was nice spending time. I wondered what he wanted out of me, anyway. Perhaps he liked treading slowly on hearing about our birth family, but I could not understand it. 

       Fifteen minutes later I get an angry call from him. He said he was very insulted by how I assumed he was worthless by how I said he lives off our mother. I tried to say it was not my intention, but he was very hurt and in uproar. He reacted like I do at times- all or nothing. Said he was about to say never call me again but he wanted to explain why. I recognized his feeling of low self-worth and injury. I experienced it too, when someone made me feel incredibly stupid and unable to function myself. I said I was sorry, came out bad but even I noticed the weakness of my response. He said I was really inconsiderate and how can I expect him to share his struggles with me. I said I noticed he didn't say anything about himself. I should have questioned it but I wanted to make him feel comfortable, or was too scared to ask. We walk on eggshells, wanting others to cue us what is right to say. Scared of asserting ourselves. He said I really made him feel horrible and I should know it is hard for him to live with his troubles. I recognized his low-self-worth and said I was sorry and didn't think. Sigh. Us adoptees. Growing up in doers homes. He said he doesn't trust a soul and is ready to drop everyone, including family.

            I also realized that he did not really want to pay for the food, that he was too lacking in his own self-love so he couldn't give to others. I realized that because my mother gave to us conditionally, although she claims it is unconditional, and she expects back from us for all she gives us, and doesn't accept us for our feelings, we also do not trust unconditional love. I was relieved that I am able to give to others unconditionally sometimes, because I did learn to love myself and when I do, I love to give. I give to a local homeless man, and am friendly occasionally to him because I realize we are both humans, and he just had worst circumstances than me. My brother did not like this, and was worried about how it looked for me to talk with this beggar. He was paranoid and looked down on the lower status people.

      I apologized again and texted that I was just trying to make conversation but was stupid. I am proud of him for telling me his feelings. I know it is hard for him now, and I feel good that he trusted me to tell me, even though it came out extremely angry.

       I see that we do trigger each other because of growing up in the same, dysfunctional home and being adopted together. We both have the same issues, and only us understand one another as much as we do. It is like walking on eggshells.. but can make us aware of our problems...