Telling Ourselves "Shoulds"

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       When I was rocking my daughter to sleep a few days ago, I was very tired from a sugar cookie and the day's excitement. I looked at her sadly and wished to know how she felt. She did not go to sleep despite her overtired red eyes. I asked her to tell me how she was feeling as we played with some toy animals I had bought her. She grunted and looked down. I sighed and looked at my phone. As I just decided to try again to rock her, she wanted the phone. I took it from her gently, and put it down. She began to wail pitifully. She didn't stop, and more sobs started choking up her throat. My husband looked up in surprise what's that? I said she's getting some tears out, good. I stroked her carefully and tried to convey my presence. But she would not fall asleep despite how much she sobbed I rocked, and it worried me. So I finally said I couldn't do it, and gave her to my husband. Which she protested but then fell asleep promptly. I was upset about that, but I already realized that it was because she was more attached and thereby more affected by me.

          And then I saw a profound message from Marion Rose on instagram that explained it. When we do things from a place of thinking "I should" we trip up. It needs to come from our willingness to be true, and lots of times when kids call us it's a knee-jerk reaction to obey even though we don't really want to. We need to ask our hearts and inner children what we feel to make sure it's not a forced "should" be done. And that is why it didn't work, because she sensed that in me. 

            When we are not being genuine it creates conflict in our minds because our hearts say no and mind yes. So we need to ask ourselves what's going on. Only then can we come to a place of truth.

          Sometimes dissociation is important too, in order to get us through the day. But slowly when we are ready to face our reality inside, we can face our feelings and live with them revealed.

          I had a dream about some repressed desires, and it confused me. It reminded me who I used to be. Desperate for love and did not know myself at all. Was I still like this? Because some aspect of me still identified with it, but when I woke up and came to my senses I realized I was not interesting in it anymore. I realized that when we act from our ego we want recognition for who we are and love without doing it for ourselves, and fall into dependence on outside love. We start living beyond the ego when we find ourselves. 

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