Trauma Vortex
I lost myself. I was so confused because my biological great uncle came over and was very interested in hearing about my trip to his hometown and wanted to hear how I tried to find some relatives there. He tried remembering more about his sister, my grandmother for me. He downplayed her story of her pregnancy, because he was unsure what happened, but he did say the parents thought it was a good deed to give the baby away and it didn't affect them, that the real issue that happened was when she went mental from her brain surgery mistake. They made it sound like they were ashamed of her, and it cut me deeply I could not say anything. We ran out of things to say, and I felt how I was trying to gain his affection and I hated it. I thought, why couldn't he be mature and act his age by seeing the best in me and not being judgmental of me for wanting to live near my birth parents. He kept bringing up how we were gonna make money to live there, and who we would see, saying we may just want to move to a different place like we were considering before. I said adamantly that I needed to move near my birth parents, and that was my choice. I still felt unsure of it, and drained by him. He finally left, and I ran to my room to put baby to sleep.
But I was depressed. I did not know why. Perhaps cause she wasn't sleeping. But I did not know where I stood in the world. And depression got me thinking about my ancestors and how we were nothing to them. I baked and felt like giving up, and watching a lecture by Paul Sunderland about adoption. He was saying all the reason adoption causes trauma, and for the baby who knows nothing in life besides his mother's scent. to be separated from her is a psychological death. The baby doesn't stop crying. And he used to not credit this, saying you can't remember if you were adopted, but then as he thought about it, he discovered that it cannot be recalled but it is remembered and all the signs in adult adoptees prove it. How they can never trust another, and have this feeling of being destined to be given up on. They appear successful, but have highly addictive personalities and are overachievers. They cannot live without chasing after something for love, and it is impossible to prove love to them. My birth sister herself said that she was an overachiever, and perhaps it is from adoption but she does not want to feel negative about it, because it makes her a better person. I stopped talking to her since. It is a pre-trauma personality, which is why so many do not think it is bad. I also thought of how my own brother did not care about me, and I felt that everyone was not understanding of me, and thought of what would happen if I killed myself- that they would sigh heavily and say, "We saw it coming all along because she was also so depressed," As if I was mentally ill and no one could help it.
I could not move, and felt like committing suicide. My daughter was wandering around, and I could not help her sleep. She jumped on me a few times, and I just stared at her blankly and said stop. My husband ignored me and played on his phone, after I told him I was depressed but he did not understand me, I got angry and realized he may have Aspergers, and what was I doing with him because he could not understand other people's feelings, and was very uptight and set on schedules for his life, so I told him we should get divorced because of this and he yelled like a maniac that I was lying and I should take it back and I said the way he was raging proved my point. I said it all with disgust in my voice and I did not care about him at all. He raged more, saying I was wrong and always did this and I didn't want to see the truth. I said this was the truth, and that he was an idiot for yelling at me when I felt this way and showed he didn't care about other's feelings. I read some points about having Aspergers, and it said they cannot emphasize with others if they do not feel the same sadness too, and he said this to me earlier. He yelled more, and then said that can't I see it was because of the way he was brought up. That he became locked out of his feelings because his parents never accepted emotions. And he is nervous around others because he does not feel good about himself.
Both my daughter and husband fell asleep quickly, and I still was out of it and in too much pain. So I wandered around on my phone for 2 hours, and finally went to sleep at 3 feeling huge guilt and heaviness. I told myself I'd be better and this wasn't the end. I watched my daughter sleep, and felt surges of love for her so I kissed her lovingly. She moved closer to me. I woke up still in a daze.
But I was depressed. I did not know why. Perhaps cause she wasn't sleeping. But I did not know where I stood in the world. And depression got me thinking about my ancestors and how we were nothing to them. I baked and felt like giving up, and watching a lecture by Paul Sunderland about adoption. He was saying all the reason adoption causes trauma, and for the baby who knows nothing in life besides his mother's scent. to be separated from her is a psychological death. The baby doesn't stop crying. And he used to not credit this, saying you can't remember if you were adopted, but then as he thought about it, he discovered that it cannot be recalled but it is remembered and all the signs in adult adoptees prove it. How they can never trust another, and have this feeling of being destined to be given up on. They appear successful, but have highly addictive personalities and are overachievers. They cannot live without chasing after something for love, and it is impossible to prove love to them. My birth sister herself said that she was an overachiever, and perhaps it is from adoption but she does not want to feel negative about it, because it makes her a better person. I stopped talking to her since. It is a pre-trauma personality, which is why so many do not think it is bad. I also thought of how my own brother did not care about me, and I felt that everyone was not understanding of me, and thought of what would happen if I killed myself- that they would sigh heavily and say, "We saw it coming all along because she was also so depressed," As if I was mentally ill and no one could help it.
I could not move, and felt like committing suicide. My daughter was wandering around, and I could not help her sleep. She jumped on me a few times, and I just stared at her blankly and said stop. My husband ignored me and played on his phone, after I told him I was depressed but he did not understand me, I got angry and realized he may have Aspergers, and what was I doing with him because he could not understand other people's feelings, and was very uptight and set on schedules for his life, so I told him we should get divorced because of this and he yelled like a maniac that I was lying and I should take it back and I said the way he was raging proved my point. I said it all with disgust in my voice and I did not care about him at all. He raged more, saying I was wrong and always did this and I didn't want to see the truth. I said this was the truth, and that he was an idiot for yelling at me when I felt this way and showed he didn't care about other's feelings. I read some points about having Aspergers, and it said they cannot emphasize with others if they do not feel the same sadness too, and he said this to me earlier. He yelled more, and then said that can't I see it was because of the way he was brought up. That he became locked out of his feelings because his parents never accepted emotions. And he is nervous around others because he does not feel good about himself.
Both my daughter and husband fell asleep quickly, and I still was out of it and in too much pain. So I wandered around on my phone for 2 hours, and finally went to sleep at 3 feeling huge guilt and heaviness. I told myself I'd be better and this wasn't the end. I watched my daughter sleep, and felt surges of love for her so I kissed her lovingly. She moved closer to me. I woke up still in a daze.
Comments
Post a Comment