Adoptees And Fear Of Trusting

         I know it's hard to trust that people care. I know the feeling, I've been there before. When you think no body gets you, you're in it alone. I've been there before. Walking on eggshells around everyone, having to fake your smile just to hide your true worry and anxiety. Faking laughter and enthusiasm, when you really just feel numb. Sick of the chaos in your head, wanting to end it all with one fix. A fix that'll make you feel good, finally. Because it never feels good with others, it always feels like you are on trial. For something you never did, just for how you feel. When someone asks a personal question you fill it with ironic joking, unsure of what they truly want. You'll never share your feelings, they are too maddening and anxiety provoking, no body will care you tell yourself. There you sit in a puddle of doom. This is how I used to feel, because as the adoptee book The Primal Wound says, we feel unworthy of love, and don't know how to have genuine relationships without testing and pushing away. We are too anxious to trust others, we have a self fulfilling prophecy that everyone leaves in the end. We are terrified to let go, so hide behind holding everything in.