Dear G-d

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        Dear G-d,
        You gave me life. But I am not living. You gave me parents. But I don't love them. You gave me a child. But I can't feel my love for her. Why am I so put down by thoughts of how I will be doomed because I am no good? Not worthy enough, not perfect enough. Not doing enough good in the world.

       Stop Judging yourself, me. Just sit for once and let your emotions sink in. Instead of running and running. Eating and eating. Talking and watching. Shopping and laughing. Staring blankly in gloom, wondering what the hell is wrong. I'll tell you.

         You just spoke to your birth mother. You cried because you realized she loved you and vice versa. You have no love inside for your adoptive parents. Especially after how they mistreated you and made you dysfunctional. Especially how they tried to drain you of every last bit of strength you had left, to suite their needs. Especially when they still say they love you, and you feel pressured to say it back. But you have no feeling for them. Just anger and indignation of how they never SAW you.

         You are alone. You deleted your Facebook. No more posting to the world your inner sights. They don't care. They never did. They can't see you. You are officially on your way to feeling nothing. You have a lot to worry about. A lot to fear and dread. But soon it will be worth it in the end. You saw how much love you had for your daughter and parents. There is new feelings to feel. New relationships to carve. You just have to keep being strong. I know it is hard. I love you.

         Please, G-d, save me now. Help me up, I am down. I can barely face myself. I need strength. I know You are there now. Always were. Even though I am not always good. And forget to say thank you a lot. I don't let myself feel because of my PTSD. I know you understand that.

         I love You.

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