Facing The Inner Narcissistic Wound

         Ross Rosenberg said something profound in his video Childhood Trauma Secretly Lurking In Your Body.. with guest Tracy Malone. When you are able to be heard in your inner child's trauma, you can release the pain you have been carrying since it happened, like a weight off your back. This is why having a therapist who truly gets it, has been through the same thing you have and sees beyond the false self layer that hides your vulnerability, is integral to the healing journey. I need that so badly. Having been misunderstood and made to feel like something was wrong with me for my false self that I put up to cover my deep seated shame. He said you need someone who can bulldoze through the brick walls you put up to protect that hurt inner child from further traumatization. When you are with a person who further hurts you, it causes painful sensations in your body to come up because of the stored trauma that was never healed.

          Exactly true. And Begood4000 Youtube channel spoke about something profound to me as well, in What is Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Self Work. He said those of us who were abused in childhood do not know what normal means in the outside world. We talk too much and think we owe everyone constant explanations, even though it causes us to come across as show-offs. We seem like we are airing all our dirty laundry to the world, when we think we are supposed to give all the details. I have seen this happen all too often to me, and always feel crazy and feel like I tripped up. Thinking I said too much, but a part of me can't seem to help it. My brother does it too, seems to take over every conversation and make it about him. And it comes across as taking up all the space. Husband does it too, when he seems to need to add his own opinion and experience about everything I say. My mother, who criticizes my brother for this, does it in a covert way by faking attention to everyone but really being self-preoccupied and with an agenda in every conversation. I think I will start to step back and observe, as he says, to see when I can trust the other with a secret or feelings, and save myself much heart break and confusion. I love this idea.

          Another amazing thing I heard yesterday, in Alan Robarge's video Maybe You're The Narcissist: We Are Living With A Narcissist Wound,  that too many recovering codependents like to blame their problems on the other person, and condemn groups of people, but it doesn't help. I agree. He said we do not know our selves, because we're scared of facing our wounds- we truly feel bad inside, and have primal rage, so we project it on others instead. He says we need to admit our core shame and primal rage. Only when we do, can we get along with others. I love this idea, because it is about admitting who you truly are inside. We "look to others to define our reality," instead of facing that only we can control the way we feel. He says you need a self before seeing the none-self.

         I am trying to start facing that the shame and pain is in me, instead of blaming it on everyone else. It hurts so much, especially when I am hurt by others and made to feel small. This happens even when my baby daughter does not do what I want. I feel rage and explode on her, when it is really my fault of not listening to what I need to do for myself. Which is listen to my pain and see what I need. It hurts so much because it makes me feel like no one cares, but it is only because of my past belief that no one cares. In reality, my husband cares about my wound and wants to be there for me.

        It's okay to be hurt and blame another for hurting you, but there comes a point where you have to put up boundaries in order to not get hurt again. if you keep letting other's hurt you, it comes a point where you are kind of responsible for the pain you are having. Anger is good, but it shows us what we can take, as Ollie Mathews talks about. It shows us who we are inside.