Gas Lighted all My Life

             It started this morning from a dream. I was with my oldest childhood friend and her perfect, happy mother. We were preparing food, and I accidentally cut off the chicken leg and it turned into my baby and they were disappointed because now it wouldn't look good. I felt so sad and grieved, and vowed to cherish the "chicken" and fix it because I loved it. Then we went to a school gathering, and I found my section that said "Aware Parenting" on a sign. I waited for my friends there, but I felt so rejected and un-included by all. I woke up, and it reminded me of my life. And I felt like my dream was trying to show me my missing pieces. So I wrote to Ollie Mathews about a memory of how ridiculed I was in school as a child. I had to wake my daughter up before it was her time to, but I felt an urging to do it from inside. I felt so confused by who I was, and I had always known that I had a tangled story, deep down believing that I was bat-crazy and had to hide it.


          Being validated is everything. I did it I sent Ollie Mathews my story about my childhood bad behavior in school and how I always felt shamed so acted out. He said I got abused emotionally from all sides, was shocked to find out that my biological sister's mother was my teacher and she was mean to me as a kid too. He said all the pieces of who I am are in front of me, but they don't let you see it. I so agree with that, my life was a crazy making circus party where everyone saw my abuse but I was not let in on it. I had to be grateful and happy and was not allowed to feel sad at all ever. I always thought it was my fault that I was so lonely and sad all the time, but meanwhile they all did it to me- my narcissistically wounded parents, the teachers, my biological siblings. He said I have to stop focusing on them because they will not save me. If they are not part of the solution they are the problem. I feel so validated from him, and no wonder I always attract narcissistic people- because as he said, if you never felt loved you will keep going after people who do not love you for love.

       He said it makes sense I was a class clown as a child because I always had to please everyone, even if it meant sacrificing my own self. He said no more self-sacrificing. These people I am trying to gain approval from are not ever going to help me. I've always been an afterthought because they put me in an awkward place- the student of my biological sister's adoptive mother. He said my sister does not want to admit she was abused also, so she needs to look down on me.

          I feel, as usual, gas lighted by everyone I know. Nobody admits that adoption had trauma in it, that I have a right to desire to know my biological siblings. He said my biological sister will always try to one up me because she doesn't want to admit that she was abused, too. So she needs to look down her nose on me. I feel that the main point of childhood is to learn that you are cared for in order to believe in who you are, and since I did not feel I was loved I cannot move forward. I see myself as ugly, as Ollie says in Emotional Dysmorphia Caused By Narcissistic Abuse. I feel constantly on guard around complete strangers, and always feel looked down on. I have to strengthen my confidence by telling myself that they were all wrong in my beginning. 

          Many times I see my baby daughter as someone who feels unloved, because I did. I am overly worried about her for each time she cries a bit. Like today, when I panicked and went running down the street when she was fussing a bit and her eyes seemed red because she was tired, and worried that she felt I didn't care about her because I wasn't helping her. I was doing well though because she fell asleep calmly and I realized I was aiding her by rocking back and forth and covering her face from the cold. So objectively, I saw that I was being a good parent. 

        But it scares me how I didn't feel loved at all as a kid and I have to explore further and see why that is. I was so gas lighted by my siblings and parents. A part of me always wished someone would come and tell me how beautiful I was, but I felt guilty for even thinking I was deep down. It is a miracle that I managed to get myself up to here. I had no hope when I was little. 

        My daughter is so cute, she puts my phone or something she thinks I want in my hand. And she calls a book "kook" when she wants one. She says the word backwards sometimes. I don't want to call her cute because I don't want her to feel she is only lovable when she is cute. That's how I felt when everyone called me cute. It is kind of objectifying.