Glimpses Of What Humility Is

          There is always this talk about only trusting G-d to bring you salvation, not to put your trust in people. That is what we strive for. I think it just hit me what that means. Because all along I was feeling guilty for wanting attention from others, and my neediness on outside Things to get me through.

        I think adoption, as I read causes a person to feel shame and rejection in their neediness because they were given up by the ones who were their only source of life, so they reject help from the outside world and learn to be self-sufficient from early on. They learn no one is there for them.

      I used to not want to take from anyone, and my adoptive mother used to berate me for this. She said I didn't trust the outside world. I was further shamed, of course. I couldn't help my feeling, though and continued to reject any help. I wanted to prove I was okay on my own. After all, no body really cared was my ingrained belief.

      Then I got a different message in praying: we had to believe that no one could help you, and you were nothing without G-d's help. I felt even more pushed down, and almost gave up on belief in praying altogether. I couldn't bring myself to feel good about only relying on G-d, because I knew deep down I couldn't rely on anyone either. But now I see that it is me who is important and I can't feel anything unless I see what I actually do feel. It's from Pia Melody- when you can admit your shame and triggers from childhood, you become less attached to the outcome.