Holding On By Letting Go Of Ego Defenses

        Pia Melody says when a person is able to hear another one's side even though it causes them to sink back to the worst state of their childhood trauma, it humbles them greatly. When they can be objective and admit how they feel, instead of reacting, it causes them to be free. They can be unattached to the hurt. She says in order to let go and not make another carry one's hurt, the person watches his feeling in front of him and imagines it fully for what it is. I have done this and it felt great after. When I so wanted to run, I sat with the painful feeling and watched it, and it looked like a great, big monster. But I recognized my feeling as being apart from my daughter who had triggered it, and I did not blame her for it. It was my package of the deal in life, and I could not send it to her.

          My husband and I got into an argument and I blamed him for making me feel rotten because when I told him my pain, he seemed to study it from the outside. I wanted more understanding and emphasizing. I told him to stop pretending he was perfect and I was the only one with problems. I was triggered. He got angry too, and argued that he wasn't doing it and he was trying to help, and it hurt him that I thought he didn't understand because he did.

        Pia Melody says that whenever we attach an outcome we want to an argument, it means we are emotionally triggered from our feelings in childhood. She gives an example of how a man would get angry at his wife for not being there for him, and blame her for their dying intimacy. While she would answer that he had nerve to blame her, because she was trying and he was also the problem because of his becoming boring and too focused on his job. The proper way they could communicate would be to admit that they are at fault, and both talking about putting in effort to want to change. So the husband would say something like, "You have been having a hard time and I want us to be happy together as we used to be..."

         She says that inner talking boundaries can help a person in dealing with their triggers. When they get angry or hurt they can stop and take time to figure out why. That is why it is crucial to know your past history, and know when you were wounded. From age 0-5 you would have disassociated and become disorganized, and from approximately ages 6-17 a person develops the adaptive, wounded self that protects them from their pain. Such as by taking on roles to not get hurt, like a people pleaser or a distant, moody teenager. This follows a person into adulthood and gets mistaken as the true self a lot of times. 

          I am so proud of my daughter, at 15 months, that she was hurt by how we put her in the carriage and walked a mile, talking, and she showed that she was hurt by it by pushing away from me. It shows she has feelings of her own. She refused to fall asleep and pushed me away when I tried talking to her. I was triggered, and remembered my pain at age 4 when my mother ignored my feelings. I cried and tried to do "chair work" and have my younger self trust me as I tried to defend her against my mother in my mind. I saw she wouldn't listen, and she was sad, too. I just cried and cried. Finally, way past her bedtime, my daughter was getting hyper and jumped around laughing, and after we acted silly together, she let me hold her and fell asleep in my arms. As I tried stroking her hair, she barely let me and I felt good that she was building a strong sense of boundary. Even though she was pushing me away. I thought that maybe it was good for her to be away from me, but then I shut that because I knew how important it was that I be there for her and not give up. I know I am her greatest love and she needs me more than anything. It hurts me to imagine how hurt she would be if I did not care for her. Just as I can't imagine how I survived as a baby without my birth mother.

          I watched her hold onto her leg, and I wondered if she was trying to hold something for comfort in the place of the absence of having me for comfort. I thought of how I held onto things for comfort through the years, mainly food. That is why it hurts so much when my husband seems to make fun of me when I eat my cookie or cake. I can't seem to let go, it is always there for me. I get angry and defensive about it. But I think back to my child self, lacking any normal validation and attention, and I understand fully that I am a warrior for holding on. I had nothing, and I still have very little. I need to hold onto what I can to stay sane. As my confidence rises, I will let go more and be able to live in comfort of my self.