How Parents Expect Their Kids To Fix Them and Make Them Carry Their Pain Until They Have No Identity Of Their Own

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           We have to listen to our inner voices more when we talk or interact with others. Listen to our feelings and what we really feel about the other. This way we can know if they are abusing us and overstepping our personal boundaries or not. My husband and I spoke about this, after a fight today because I felt he was not seeing me and validating me. He told me I may have mental illness, and it really struck a chord in me because I was used to people not understanding my feelings and invalidating me. I should have listened to my inner voice that was telling me he was hurting my feelings, and validated myself and then explained it to him instead of reacting. I am allowed to my feelings, and I need to listen to them more.

           He explained how he saw me as very hurt inside and with abandonment issues, and that he knew it was because of my upbringing. He spoke about how awful my mother was, and how she seems like she has mental blocks because she does not see others at all, and she is selfish and only thinks about herself. I agreed, but said it was because she was wounded and didn't want to know it. Therefore, she spews out her emotions and does not know how to act and see objectively. She only sees people as projections of her own problems. This I got from Pia Melody's book, The Intimacy Factor. It got me so angry when I realized that she used me to get validation for herself all my life, such as blaming me for not being able to listen to her story of hardships because of her divorce, playing a child-victim. She complained to me that I was too "self-involved in my own problems," but I think that if she had helped me with my problems as a child I wouldn't be so needy. I am soo angry at when parents expect their kids to carry their pain, and not take responsibility for how they feel. I saw my own daughter's pain today, in when I ignored her because we were fighting and I hit my husband out of my hurt, and she screeched hysterically when I tried to stop feeding her and I knew it was because of the pain. I tried my best to listen and see her. Sometimes it get's too much for me to see how vulnerable and sad she is, because I feel guilty for not being able to have stopped it. I hope to G-d that I will continue being able to admit my weakness and problems in relationships with her and others.

          This is why it is so important to know yourself and your own boundaries, how you are feeling at all times. Because otherwise you don't put up proper boundaries and blame others for overstepping them. I am putting up boundaries in relating to my mother and others, and I need a lot of them because I am so used to being stepped all over for other's sake.

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