Inspiring Talk

           I met a really nice old lady because of my baking sale, and she was my first customer. She seemed really timid and humble, and I was excited to meet my first customer. I went to her house to pick up the payment for my cake, and she invited me in warmly. I brought my daughter in, and was happy by how she understood that my daughter was nervous in a new person's home and needed time. She gave her a balloon, and my cutie stood there watching her as I brought up the stroller. She handed me some agave syrup for the next round of cakes she wanted from me, and I was excited that she was true to her word of wanting to use me again for business. Her daughters liked healthy eating, too and she was excited to provide some for them when they come with their children. I was excited and happy to be welcomed into a warm grandmotherly home. She was chatty, and I was careful to make myself open and not only self-conscious. Most people listen to others to reply, I saw on Instagram, and I wanted to listen to her. Learn. She talked about her grandchildren, and seemed to relish any opening to speak about something. I ignored it, seeing that she was probably a bit self-conscious too. I had a positive outlook on her because of my good mood. I thought of how I was so desperate for friends, and was willing to talk to anyone, and my mother made fun of us about this but it really was not nice of her. I saw how we were both very open and curious about everything. We spoke about the community, and were she was from originally- a small town. She told me about her mother losing her mother in the war, and how she was in denial at first, but then heard first hand that it happened. I apologized. She had this innocent quality about her, and I realized that she was a bit scattered like me. She mentioned that my daughter had warm shoes, and then I said how I did not like her not wearing shoes in the house because her toes got dirty, and she told me about how she broke her toe last week. She seemed very capable of getting around by herself. My daughter cried a bit, and she understood that she might be getting tired, and I thanked her and said how we went to sleep late and that I can't sleep sometimes because my mind wanders a lot, but at least I get to sleep in because of my daughter.

           She said she hoped I would stay living here for longer because she would like some cakes for the spring holidays. I said we wanted to move, to live near my birth parents. She was surprised and asked me about it, such as how it went for me to find them. We joked about how we could be talking all day. I told her a bit about how I was fostered as a baby until I was adopted, because my birth mother was mentally ill. I told her I always felt saddened inside but nobody acknowledged it so I grew up feeling different and bad and like I had to be codependent. She said yes, I must have felt abandoned, twice it makes sense. I was relieved to hear her say that. She told me that her husband had the same issue, his mother was killed when he was my daughter's age- 15 months, and he always had abandonment issues because of it. I told her about Scattered by Gordon Neufield talking about how an infant that was abandoned by his mother in any form can likely develop ADD because of the coping mechanisms. She agreed that her husband had had severe ADHD, and her children were all affected by it. Her son mainly, because he was most like him. She told me about his 3 different cycles of cancer, and how his children all came from their different respective cities to be with him in the hospital despite their losing jobs due to being absent so long, because he refused to be alone because his fear of abandonment was so great. She said that when she married him, he wanted her to do a check by therapy to see if she had unresolved issues, because he said he wouldn't marry her if she did not check. It sounded very much like me, wanting others to work on their issues in order to have a better relationship. She went to a few therapy meetings, and did not see herself having any of the problems they spoke about. She said he was a very loving man and wanted a hug from his son on the street, and all the neighbors knew that he was like that and did think anything strange of it. I nodded. She told me he went for therapy all his life, abandonment issues will always be there. I agreed, but explained how I refused to stay in therapy when I saw that the therapists were not helping me. She asked me if I wanted a book to help me with sleeping, as if I was up from sorrow, and I said I was not up in pain I was just wondering about things in a good way, and I found a new spiritual path that made me very happy with life, since I realized I do not have to be codependent anymore. I was proud of my daughter enjoying exploring, and she got nervous about her putting big things in her mouth and I said I did not want to stop her because she was smart and wouldn't hurt herself anyhow. She apologized and laughed nervously, and said, "There I made it up to her and she is not hurt anymore."

           I left when she went to answer her phone, and just waved. It was amazing to have a two-way talk with someone, and see how others will believe what I present myself as. When I said I was confident and happy about my independence, she believed it, and I sensed her insecurity about herself and I had some about myself too.