People Are Human, not Angel or Devil

       Oh the highs and lows. I need to write about them. Yesterday, I was having a conversation with my adoptive cousin about our shared maternal family dysfunctions, and how our mothers did not validate our emotions and gas-lighted us. I said we need to learn not to depend on them for validation. She said it is hard. I saw that our mother's families grew up to be very enmeshed and do not know how to see other people's feelings, although they are such givers, because they never acknowledge their own pain and it is hidden, locked away from anyone's sight. I felt validated and happy but sad about it. Then we spoke about stereotypes, and how we have trouble seeing beyond them and accepting people who seem to think they are "above others." We have the same struggles about that. We are both old souls, indigos, so it is hard for us to accept other's flaws as we see them so clearly and their energies affect us. We are both stronger than average though, and we need to unite and grow. It made me see that I am used to seeing people in extremes, like her, and I do it to myself, too in thinking I am perfect and hate any flaws in me. We agreed that all people have good and bad in them, and it is important to remember that so we do not get angry with them because we think they are perfect when in fact all humans are flawed.

         So I was on this high, and my husband and I went out on a date. I was careful to see others around me as my equals, and felt good smiling at them. I saw how they appreciated it, too. My husband and I had a good time, letting ourselves relax in the moment and enjoy. We are both very tense and Ollie Mathews told us to enjoy ourselves more because we are young and should not be so sad. On the way back, in the car, I was listening to a song by Greg Laswell called Comes and Goes, and it reminded me of my whole journey and my reunion with my maternal birth family and I cried as I remembered my feeling belonging and pain at the same time at how disconnected we were from not knowing each other until then. Then I remembered my father in the nursing home, who had trouble sleeping and seemed so dejected because he had nothing to say when I visited. I cried from the nostalgia of my childhood, where he gave me everything I needed and I loved him. I felt numb about him now, but I still have that childhood love for him inside. It is a love and longing and pity, and it is where I got my "fixer" personality from because I always felt a need to save him from his pain so that he can be a father to me. And I cried thinking of what this life was, how good times change and don't last forever and all we have are memories. And now I think of the future and how I need to make a life for myself, without being weighed down by my sad, yet comforting past. Who am I? Without my families or with them. I am my own person and am special. But not perfect, just me.

          And my husband did not really hear me out, and I felt alone. I felt his own hidden pain, and felt like I had to save both of us. So I did, like a true codependent. And I made us happy by being loving to us. He cheered up. This morning I felt empty as a shell, though and I snapped at him. I felt his energy dragging me. I sat for a long time, and basked in sorrow and emptiness without realizing why. My daughter needed me to sleep more, and I did help her. But I thought of how traumatic her life was, and felt like a hypocrite for needed others to save me too. We went out for air later, and I let myself get a coffee with soy milk, and a healthy nut snack. I bit into it, and tasted heaven. Suddenly I saw how I loved myself, and I noticed the cashier. I was thinking a codependent thought that I was being "bad" by not being cheerful to them and they needed that from me, but suddenly I realized that they were people too, and did not need me to make them feel good. I was only responsible for my inner state. So I smiled and didn't worry about their judgement. I felt real and that was all that mattered to me now. I need to work on my own boundaries of my inner state, and decide what I deserve and how I treat others. Ralph Smart said this morning, that how others treat you is ALL A REFLECTION OF THE Way they treat themselves.