Personal Boundaries With Taking Care of Your Child

          When I took time for myself I saw how my daughter was calmer and I was happier doing things for her. It is because my cup was full. I heard John Bradshaw say that 2 years are exploring their worlds and need limits, but in a loving way because yelling at them from our own inner child causes them to feel rejected. So I took from this that it was important to see my own inner child and not react from her when taking care of my daughter. When I take care of myself I also see my limits and what I can not handle better, and I am better able to convey them to her. In turn she can trust me to be strong about what I want and appreciate my self-respect and boundaries, and learn from me. I am very excited about this, and see how it helps me live life more satisfyingly.

           Belief in my deserving of abundance and acceptance of my needs without judgement allowed me this happiness. For example, I used to repress my desire to cook my dinner and have it on time because of my daughter's sleep schedule. I would get angry at her for not sleeping, when I was really angry at myself for not meeting my own needs. I rocked her anxiously and of course she felt my tension and got too scared and upset to sleep. I saw with my own eyes how, when I took time to soak and cook my beans even though it took much longer than cooking noodles, an option I would have sunk to in the past because of my strain of meeting her needs, even though I ignored her a bit as I made the food and she whined, as I rocked her to sleep making sure that I wouldn't be hungry for dinner till she was done sleeping, I suddenly felt love for her and understanding and I smiled and sang a bit and she fell asleep easily for the second time today!! (Which is usually harder for her).

            I was trying to put her to sleep this morning for a nap, was so happy and ready for some reading and meditating, reflecting on how beautiful life was and how I loved her breathing and the way she snuggled up to me trustingly. I was starting to feel worthy of being a mother. Suddenly, she woke up from a noise and I became so angry. I recognized my repressed rage from things not going my way, from countless past feelings I felt and never corrected. I felt unworthy of things going my way and it was infuriating. I asked myself what was the point of raging, it was just time to change the plan and become happy a different way. I let the annoyance out, huffing and screaming a bit. My daughter laughed. I was recognizing my own anger and was not putting it onto her. I laughed too, relieved that I had put up a boundary to see my needs to have my feelings heard. And my day continued that way, slowly heading towards what I really wanted and not feeling selfish for meeting it.

          Another example of my paying attention to my needs working in my favor, is that the other day I was feeling upset because of pressure of her not sleeping clashing with me wanting to enjoy myself out with my husband, and I was itching to buy some non healthy food.. I recognized it was from tension and worry, and I allowed the feelings to be heard. I skipped the food, and felt so much better for hearing myself. I saw things going smoother after that, because I was facing reality more. My feelings mattered to me and therefore I didn't need to gain outer satisfaction to fill an empty feeling. 

          John Bradshaw on Reclaiming Your Toddler Self said that the toddler becomes counter-dependent in order to prove that he is his own person, so at this time they need to be able to have their way, but with limits so they know we love them even if they make mistakes. If we gave them everything, they would not know what we want from them and be frustrated with our mixed messages of showing anger when we are fed up. I think it's true, that Bradshaw says that this toddler stage not getting met causes people to stay stuck in it by trying to "fight" with others for their independence, never feeling it truly. We blame others for our issues, without taking responsibility for our feelings of inadequacy. I believe that the way to overcome this shortcoming is to see that we are capable of meeting our needs, and to face the deep-seated shame of not being seen as a child.

          I see the love for my daughter when I fulfill my own needs. She does not seem too needy and too frustratingly difficult. I can understand that she needs me, and have compassion for her. I know she wouldn't want me to do things for her with resentment, so I keep my boundaries and see what I need to do.