Pre-Verbal Trauma PTSD Floods The Brain
It all comes down to how much we are aware of our childhood traumas when we go down the rabbit hole, if we are going to fall all the way or not.
I was aware, and I saw it, but I let anger get the best of me. I blamed everyone for not seeing me. None of my family, or husband. He saw, but he was too stuck in his own trauma to SAY anything and then I felt abandoned by him. My daughter hadn't been sleeping all day, and I was fed up because I was thinking about the future and how messed up it was now because of her inability to sleep. I saw her repression of feelings, and it angered me because I felt responsible. I then thought about how messed up my own childhood was, and did not have the strength anymore to save me. It seemed too large a task for me. I creamed once, and my husband got annoyed and said I shouldn't let her not sleeping get me down. It made me feel accused and bad about myself. I knew inside that it was much more than that. But I was flooded in feelings, as it said in Pia Melody's book The Intimacy Factor that I was reading earlier, that when you are brought back to a trauma from your babyhood the feelings flood and disengage you, because you have no verbal ability to communicate it. SO I started reacting and throwing a tantrum. He was frozen and screamed at me. I continued even more angry that he was not seeing me.
My daughter laughed. I picked her up and pushed her down to the floor, angrily. She screamed and I instantly hugged her and apologized, and rubbed her feet where I pushed her. I decided to take a shower amidst my husband yelling at me. I shut the door and tried to wash away the pain. I asked G-d why this was happening to me, and to help me somehow. My daughter was cried outside, banging on the door, and my husband let her in. I raged at him and pushed the door shut, I needed space. He explained when I came out that she was crying so angrily and sadly so he did it for her. I said couldn't he SEE that I was upset too?
I was beside myself, and told him this was enough, we didn't see each other and made things worst by not seeing each other's pain. He said we will get help, and that he wanted to change. I said we will see what happens.
I called my birth father and the minute I heard his voice I cried. He knew something was wrong and said I should take it easy and not worry. I told him what happened with my daughter. He was empathetic and said it will be okay. i said I had to go because I was so choked up. We watched something light to make us ease up the awkwardness, and went to sleep at midnight. My daughter couldn't sleep, and she refused to face me. I held her and tried to be loving, and she fell asleep two hours later out of exhaustion. I am really worried about her.
I was aware, and I saw it, but I let anger get the best of me. I blamed everyone for not seeing me. None of my family, or husband. He saw, but he was too stuck in his own trauma to SAY anything and then I felt abandoned by him. My daughter hadn't been sleeping all day, and I was fed up because I was thinking about the future and how messed up it was now because of her inability to sleep. I saw her repression of feelings, and it angered me because I felt responsible. I then thought about how messed up my own childhood was, and did not have the strength anymore to save me. It seemed too large a task for me. I creamed once, and my husband got annoyed and said I shouldn't let her not sleeping get me down. It made me feel accused and bad about myself. I knew inside that it was much more than that. But I was flooded in feelings, as it said in Pia Melody's book The Intimacy Factor that I was reading earlier, that when you are brought back to a trauma from your babyhood the feelings flood and disengage you, because you have no verbal ability to communicate it. SO I started reacting and throwing a tantrum. He was frozen and screamed at me. I continued even more angry that he was not seeing me.
My daughter laughed. I picked her up and pushed her down to the floor, angrily. She screamed and I instantly hugged her and apologized, and rubbed her feet where I pushed her. I decided to take a shower amidst my husband yelling at me. I shut the door and tried to wash away the pain. I asked G-d why this was happening to me, and to help me somehow. My daughter was cried outside, banging on the door, and my husband let her in. I raged at him and pushed the door shut, I needed space. He explained when I came out that she was crying so angrily and sadly so he did it for her. I said couldn't he SEE that I was upset too?
I was beside myself, and told him this was enough, we didn't see each other and made things worst by not seeing each other's pain. He said we will get help, and that he wanted to change. I said we will see what happens.
I called my birth father and the minute I heard his voice I cried. He knew something was wrong and said I should take it easy and not worry. I told him what happened with my daughter. He was empathetic and said it will be okay. i said I had to go because I was so choked up. We watched something light to make us ease up the awkwardness, and went to sleep at midnight. My daughter couldn't sleep, and she refused to face me. I held her and tried to be loving, and she fell asleep two hours later out of exhaustion. I am really worried about her.
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