Pushing Through Darkness To See Light

-
        I was really losing it. I have a hard time in this house to find love. Everything drains me. Try to go out as often as we can. Was in the trauma vortex because my toddler wouldn't sleep. She was upset because of the morning when my husband put her to sleep because I was impatient and antsy to begin our day, which was off to a rough start because she barely slept the night before. Because I was lazy and down. So I had no clue how to gain strength to see her emotions. I was in empty, exhausted. She didn't want to look at me. I remembered in the back of my head the Aware Parenting group on Facebook post about a 3 year old girl that was repressed in her feelings because her mother had been too busy for her, and she hinted to her mother by saying "you lost me" that they were not connected emotionally. It hurt me how the woman was struggling so much with it because of her own feeling disconnected from herself, so she couldn't handle her daughter feeling that way. A kind mother answered her that she hears how sad she sounds, and that perhaps if she took care of her own needs she would be able to help her daughter's more. She agreed, but said it was hard to see her needs because of guilt. Anyway, so I could not see my daughter's needs because of my emotional exhaustion. She was giggling nervously and running away from me. Suddenly, as I left her alone and tried to regain strength, she bit her lip and looked soo small and broken, my heart convulsed. I understood her feelings now, and felt more able to help her. I held her and watched her as she squirmed, not feeling so detached anymore. Perhaps I could really care about her feelings, it wasn't so impossible.

          She teaches me how to connect to my feelings again, and not only be involved in pleasure and running from stress and pain. It's hard but worth it, because I gain wisdom of my own weaknesses, and am pushed to grow. Such as: I used to get angry at having to stay in bed with her and not being able to get out and eat my breakfast in mornings, but now I am happy to lay with her for longer and do not lose my temper. Sometimes, pushing through the cocoon is important in order to become the butterfly. Ha cliche as can be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more