Seeing Myself As Valid and Worthy

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                  I realized that when I have in mind that my daughter needs me, instead of sinking into my insecurities of not feeling good enough a person for her, I can take care of her well. When I see how she needs me, such as to sleep, I can comfort her. I look at her sad little face and think of how alone I felt at her age, and am urged to be there for her. It is those times that are most beautiful to me, because I see how needed I am in her life and it gives me pleasure to help my loved little one.

             I am also learning to count myself as important from the videos Ollie Mathews made for me on The Narcissistic Resistance channel. I used to feel my childhood held nothing to the other people writing in in abusiveness level, but he made me feel important and the other subscribers who wrote encouraging and caring comments did too. My husband also was shocked by some of the things I said there, because I had not told him about it. He said it really is insane how my mother and sister treated me as a kid, and I was just a pet for their liking. Ollie said I am right that they saw me as a second class citizen, because that was what they wanted me to be. It still makes my head confused as to how they could pretend I was grateful to them for giving me clothes and a roof over my head, and see me as a charity case, but pretend to me that I had no right to feel sad about my situation. As Ollie said, I do have a lot of anger about all the things that they did to me, and how they never cared, and he said I have to get it that I need to move forward and see what love I have now in my life.

         Slowly, I am rebuilding.

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