This Is Us Adoptees

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        I was watching the episode Number Three in This Is Us and bawling. He was split in his childhood because his mom didn't let him know she found his real dad, and his father followed her home to see his son but stopped himself from going in because he saw how he had a whole life without him and he felt small. And you see in Randall's face how sad he was, always felt outcasted. Reminded me of my own confusion and hurt at my adoptive and birth mothers for not being there. At least we are validated later on, but not early enough to prevent the ghosts from hurting us. As Randall describes in analogy to Pacman. And then the foster girl he helped leaves to return to her biological mother and he feels abandonment again. She tells him not to feel too sad, because she knows about his adoption "split"  feelings, and you just feel the raw energy of sadness. He is left again.

       I know the feelings and they are real because I have them every time I am unsure of my love for my daughter. I feel inhuman and incapable of love. How is she so innocent? I was too, and it messed me over. I hope she keeps it because it's beautiful.

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