When the Purpose Of Life Hits You

         Yes raising a child is hard. Hard to get out of bed when you're underslept, to soothe them. To be cheerful when you're losing sleep. To fight your desires to take care of your child. To show them you care about them. To not push them away when you're angry about your lack of sleep. To control your hurt and indignation. To feel like you are losing your entire day, as well as your night because of their inability to fall asleep!! To try for hours to put her to sleep, then to have her wake up every two hours and stay up for another hour. But after I did all those things, I found myself wondering what the point of it all was. Listening to Lisa Romano's Children of Narcissistic and Alcoholic Parents Suffer From Codependency. Seeing how children are so affected by how their mothers look at them. And I realize that life is fleeting. That's all there is love and happiness in the self. But happiness can only be if the self is happy. It is a child's natural tendency to love themselves, but if the parent does not mirror the love it will be cut off unnaturally leaving the child to not feel their self love. Like what happened to me when my mother did not help me feel loved and I felt confused and rejected. So I began to hurt myself because it was programmed in me to feel worthless. Codependents keep looking for validation outside, a sense of worth. They can only truly feel it if it is inside. They need to go back and see why it was taken away from them- their birth right of self-love.

         As I gently walk back and forth with my baby in carrier, and she falls into a peaceful sleep, I feel at peace with myself. Knowing that I am here and living. If we are feeling happy alive, we will not be scared of death. Because we enjoyed life to the fullest. It is a nice thought, but hard to apply always. I cannot say I am always happy and proud of my actions. My husband and I were talking about souls yesterday, how they look. It struck me as strange that we are living in this life so temporary but barely give a thought to what happens to us afterward. We are all held responsible for our lives down here, and will look back on it. As he said, you can always fix the actions you feel bad about. But it's harder to fix than saying it. I think about all the people wasting their lives clinging onto desperate rushes of happiness, that leave them feeling empty and even more despair, and I feel anguish. I hope I can lead a life that focuses on producing and spreading love.