Why A Child Becomes Codependent and Other Sad Stories
If a child manages to gain the approval of his parents by pleasing them in some way, such as by being really smart or pretty, the child will adapt to pleasing his parents in order to get love and turn out codependent. But to the child that cannot bend or please his parents in any way, he will become narcissistic from the rejection of his entire self by his parents. Ross Rosenberg says this in his latest video, about where codependency comes from.
In addition, Ollie Mathews says that when a parent ignores or minimizes a child's feelings or self, no matter how nice they seemed to the outsider or how much they told the child I love you, the child will grow up feeling wrong and internalize the blame. He says this in "The Narcissist Always Blames You," where the person writing in said that he did bond a little with his parents, so his story is not as abusive as Ollie's. However, abuse is abuse, and it is pointless to minimize it, because he obviously is bothered by it if he remembers it. Ollie says it is healing to call it as it is, and admit to being a victim- because you ARE one and it is the only way to change. Change your life and decide for yourself how you want it to go. Otherwise you'll stay stuck in their clutches and not following your own heart.
He also says in a video that the narcissists will always try to make you question yourself, as one of the commentors on his first video about the phone cal where his narc mother was abusive to him did. She tried to make him think he was the narcissist by saying that he had manipulated her to talking like that to him. It was ridiculous because how can he make up all the abuse that she did to him in his childhood?
Anyway, I was doing what Ollie said and talking to my video camera about my childhood to hear myself out, and see how I was wronged. Boy did it hit home. I was describing how all my teachers hated me and kicked me out of class every day, and remembered how Ollie said when a kid misbehaves it is an indicator of a problem at home, but they like to call you the bad one to minimize that they abused you. I remembered how I always felt humiliated and called bad or difficult. My mother had a name for me- "a hard nut to crack." I felt shamed about it. But I really could not get my emotions out because I did not trust her. I always felt very agnostic towards her, and maybe it was how she ignored me as a baby or did not want to see my pain, so I had to internalize it. But adoption did take a toll on me, and it made me distant from her and act crazy because I felt so alone. I remember repeating over and over angrily, I am crazy I am crazy. I felt a lot of inner shame about it, and she did nothing to stop it apart from saying, "Why do you feel that way?" To which I screamed angrily that I did not know. To which she gave up on me. To which I gave up on myself.
Also, I spoke about how my father acted when I was a kid and realized that I was ashamed and always embarrassed of him, knowing he was a child inside. I knew he wasn't like other fathers. He screamed and laughed gleefully like a child my age, and it made me uncomfortable. He acted even younger than me, and lots of times I felt I had to be the mature one. But then he'd be up in the night in his office working, so I looked up to him too. I knew he had inner pain and insecurity and did not know how to help him, so I felt despair a lot. It was weird.
Anyway, just airing this made me feel more sane because I saw where I got my anger and shame from. Like today, when my daughter wouldn't fall asleep when she acted tired and silly, I was angry because I wanted to record more. And she kept falling and pressing buttons on the computer. When she cried pitifully, I got mad and could barely look at her. I was screaming inside, why can't I be heard too? And I stormed away. She chased me, and I felt it was impossible to hold and comfort her. Finally, I did when my husband came home and tried to say sorry but she screamed angrily. I am terrified of her repressing herself because of my actions. Seeing my childhood, it doesn't make sense how I can be fully loving and present for her though.
I just feel this urge to scream out my story and anger inside, because I was so wronged by supposed good people. I was so shut down and made to feel I was bad as a kid. I was anything but bad, I was hurting and sad inside. I want to tell everyone, and make sure no child gets abused by stupid grown ups anymore.
In addition, Ollie Mathews says that when a parent ignores or minimizes a child's feelings or self, no matter how nice they seemed to the outsider or how much they told the child I love you, the child will grow up feeling wrong and internalize the blame. He says this in "The Narcissist Always Blames You," where the person writing in said that he did bond a little with his parents, so his story is not as abusive as Ollie's. However, abuse is abuse, and it is pointless to minimize it, because he obviously is bothered by it if he remembers it. Ollie says it is healing to call it as it is, and admit to being a victim- because you ARE one and it is the only way to change. Change your life and decide for yourself how you want it to go. Otherwise you'll stay stuck in their clutches and not following your own heart.
He also says in a video that the narcissists will always try to make you question yourself, as one of the commentors on his first video about the phone cal where his narc mother was abusive to him did. She tried to make him think he was the narcissist by saying that he had manipulated her to talking like that to him. It was ridiculous because how can he make up all the abuse that she did to him in his childhood?
Anyway, I was doing what Ollie said and talking to my video camera about my childhood to hear myself out, and see how I was wronged. Boy did it hit home. I was describing how all my teachers hated me and kicked me out of class every day, and remembered how Ollie said when a kid misbehaves it is an indicator of a problem at home, but they like to call you the bad one to minimize that they abused you. I remembered how I always felt humiliated and called bad or difficult. My mother had a name for me- "a hard nut to crack." I felt shamed about it. But I really could not get my emotions out because I did not trust her. I always felt very agnostic towards her, and maybe it was how she ignored me as a baby or did not want to see my pain, so I had to internalize it. But adoption did take a toll on me, and it made me distant from her and act crazy because I felt so alone. I remember repeating over and over angrily, I am crazy I am crazy. I felt a lot of inner shame about it, and she did nothing to stop it apart from saying, "Why do you feel that way?" To which I screamed angrily that I did not know. To which she gave up on me. To which I gave up on myself.
Also, I spoke about how my father acted when I was a kid and realized that I was ashamed and always embarrassed of him, knowing he was a child inside. I knew he wasn't like other fathers. He screamed and laughed gleefully like a child my age, and it made me uncomfortable. He acted even younger than me, and lots of times I felt I had to be the mature one. But then he'd be up in the night in his office working, so I looked up to him too. I knew he had inner pain and insecurity and did not know how to help him, so I felt despair a lot. It was weird.
Anyway, just airing this made me feel more sane because I saw where I got my anger and shame from. Like today, when my daughter wouldn't fall asleep when she acted tired and silly, I was angry because I wanted to record more. And she kept falling and pressing buttons on the computer. When she cried pitifully, I got mad and could barely look at her. I was screaming inside, why can't I be heard too? And I stormed away. She chased me, and I felt it was impossible to hold and comfort her. Finally, I did when my husband came home and tried to say sorry but she screamed angrily. I am terrified of her repressing herself because of my actions. Seeing my childhood, it doesn't make sense how I can be fully loving and present for her though.
I just feel this urge to scream out my story and anger inside, because I was so wronged by supposed good people. I was so shut down and made to feel I was bad as a kid. I was anything but bad, I was hurting and sad inside. I want to tell everyone, and make sure no child gets abused by stupid grown ups anymore.
Comments
Post a Comment