Adoptee Loving her Daughter

         I see with my own daughter how my lack of love from my birth mother caused me to shut down with her sometimes. Like, seeing her crying can make me numb as if I don't care. Lifton says that often adoptees feel like caretakers as parents, and not really in it emotionally. They do it more out of obligation to raise kids. I feel this sometimes, but know that I love her so much inside. I care a lot, and my heart hurts when she is hurt. I think she knows it because she seems attached to me, even when I ignore her she still comes back to me, running around for attention. She has the same happiness I feel inside about living sometimes. I see my effect on her emotions by how I treat her. When I am nervous, she watches me and makes little yelps just like I feel like doing inside. I get nervous because she sees too much. When she giggles nervously, I feel the same way, and try to calm myself down and ask what's bothering me. I can't ignore my feelings with her around. That's why our days together are so up and down. Today, I saw she was getting antsy because I felt bad for ignoring her so was acting jittery. When I let go and focused on doing what I needed, she was able to go off on her own and be happy. She wanted to join me in stuff, and I didn't want her getting in the way because she makes messes and takes so much time with things, I guess learning about it, and my patience was very thin. I tried to include her as best as I could, but still felt guilty. She is a child, and needs patience and lots of love because she may feel too inadequate at times when she can't master things. I feel bad, and watch her struggle and let her know I care for her. I believe she will learn. If I get too worried and help too much, to cover up her feeling bad, she won't be able to grow and will feel entitled to things. As my husband said, she wants to feel like a person and that she has an impact and can DO.