Adoptee Meeting and Validation Of My Non-belonging in my Adoptive Family
So many crazy, strange awesome things are happening to me that make me feel validated in my pain of adoption. Things that convince me that I am real. I have to record it.
Today we packed up and went to the adoption group meeting, against our sleep schedules and despite losing my phone and being late. I needed to be with people who understood this madness, that kept me up till 4 am reading The Journey of the Adopted Child. It was hitting me in the face how I was right all along, that I had reason for all this madness. I wasn't crazy, my adoptive mother was wrong all my life about this. I had a right to feel crazy. I read about the splitting because of not knowing your beginning narrative, the denial of adoptive families that are bent on pretending the adoptee is only theirs, the inner rage of the adoptee at his birth and adoptive parents that he buries deep down but geta activated when feeling of abandonment comes up and he seems psychotic, the way the adoptee has to carry all of his parents' pain as well as his own when none is acknowledged. The way adoptees can go a lifetime living as slaves to their adoptive parent's wishes of them to be quiet about their feelings, because they feel unworthy. I was shocked that this was my reality, and angry that it was kept from me. Thinking how when I got to the chapter about adult adoptee crisis, that this was the chapter my therapist had printed out for me to see if I resonate with, but when I did and asked about the book title she dismissed my reading it because she said, " It is over exaggerated in tragedy of adoption and I would take it too literally because of who I am." So insulted and in indignation about that. Adoption trauma was true for all adoptees, whether overly emotional personality types or not.
Anyway, at the meeting they spoke about how adoptees never feel good unless they are constantly giving to other persons, and they have no identity outside of it. One likened herself to feeling like Mary Poppins when she was visiting a family, and she was ready to be their Nanny if they asked because she cleaned all their dishes and watched the kids. Another middle aged man said although he had success, he never felt like anything he did was truly him and was always to help or support other's ideas. It is true that in reunion with the birth family, they look at us as part of their family, and then forget all about us like a shiny new toy, and we still have all the pain we carried all our lives to deal with. I felt that too.
The Irish guy said something that struck me: while others react easily to big things, adoptees always look at it as if in a movie- from behind the glass looking in. Such as when someone gets angry, he asks himself, "What do I have to do now to make him happy?" This is true, we have no sense of self and feel the need to be a chameleon to fit in.
The Irish guy said something that struck me: while others react easily to big things, adoptees always look at it as if in a movie- from behind the glass looking in. Such as when someone gets angry, he asks himself, "What do I have to do now to make him happy?" This is true, we have no sense of self and feel the need to be a chameleon to fit in.
Another interesting thing they said was that at this point, they are no longer shaken by the thought of their adoptive parents death, because "at least then they will feel whole." Many had narcissistic parents who made them feel bad about finding their birth family, to them they were their children and possessed. I felt the same way, and said how I no longer feel the need to pander to my mother to see me, because she NEVER CARED ABOUT ME AND MY FEELINGS. I went on about how I used to feel the same sense of dread of abandonment if I disagreed with them or did not go along with their drama, but now I feel free from it because I realized I have a right to be myself. After learning about adoption shaping my actions so much, I realized that I had a choice of whether to go along with the script they handed me- of being their charity-case and second class citizen grateful to them for life, or reclaim my true self- a lonely adoptee who never learned that her feelings mattered and that she needed more compassion for her orphaned state.
Blood does run thicker than water, as Lifton says, and the birth family does hold the true key to who the adoptee is. One woman said that in meeting her birth mother for the first time this weekend, she felt excitement and like she mattered for the first time in the world. I am lucky I get to know my birth parents, too. I am also in the "honeymoon" phase, and wanting to know everything about each other... I explained that I felt not so desperate to be accepted by them because of the knowledge of my pain over them leaving me stuck in me that if they were to reject me, I would understand that the pain is not fully because of this rejection.
I feel so free knowing that I matter and do not have to feel so ashamed of my self all the time for my strong reactions to everyone who looks my way. The hypervigilance is normal in my case. It is nice to feel acceptance by the others in my position, and how my anger and resentment is shared by others in it. It was nice to see one woman cry over her birth cousin giving her a loving locket to show kinship, nice to see how I am not the only sentimental one. Also, as one woman said, "I feel like I attach to everyone so strongly that once I become friends with them I will never let go." I have had the same phenomena happen to me, where I am the "darling" of a bunch of my friend's families and belong there every time I go over. Two have called me special and out of this world, which made me feel awkward and singled-out unpleasantly. Also, she said people tell her all their unpleasant secrets and it happened with her birth cousin too, and she didn't know what to do.
A man spoke of feeling like he had to participate in all the drama of him adoptive family, which was not even part of him, and was grateful to be out of it by no longer keeping in touch. I feel the same way about my family- I no longer need to play a pawn for their fights and secrets. I will be who I am, and not take responsibility for other's shame. Separating from needing them for childhood approval made me stronger.
I was happy to see my daughter leaving my side to play with a child there, warming me to see how she felt secure that I loved her to leave my side. When the dogs barked, she looked at me and I smiled reassuringly that it was okay. It made me see that I did good in making her feel confident about herself, and was not too needy for her to always do what I wanted. I let her be her own person, despite not feeling like my own at her age. Sometimes, I did not know how to love her as Lifton talks about, and feel like a mere caretaker of my husband's child. But seeing my own connection to the world made me feel real and like a mother. It is true that the more I know my narrative of where I come from, the more I feel my humanness.
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