Adoptees Are Stuck In The Infant Stage Of Needing Their Own Autonomy Vs. Doubt

           I realized today how toddlers who push and pull to become their own person need their mother's love more than anything, to know that they are constant and will not be abandoned if they go out on their own. I was reading about adoptees in reunion, how when they find their birth mothers they can regress back to that stage of toddlerhood and push and pull with the mother in order to become their own "self." In this time, it is detrimental for their emotional development that the mother not shame them by rejecting their actions. This will cause a split in their minds about their mother, that she is either good or bad depending on the actions, and they will not be able to integrate good and bad both being in her. They will have to fantasize that she is good, and ignore the bad because it caused them to feel so shamed and like a part of them is flawed. The truth is, good and bad emotions are natural and not bad to have. When the mother shows she loves her child whether they behave well or not, the child can integrate himself in the world and see good and bad in people as integrated. When not, the child grows up with a warped idea of people being either good or bad, and will continue to idealize lovers and friends as being perfect, and when they present themselves as "bad" to him he will devalue them at once. This is what happens to me and my brother when we meet people, we see them as "all" good, and that they have the answers to our problems. We idealize people. The other side is true as well, when someone does something rude or unthoughtful, we diminish them instantly and rage at them. I do this with my husband when he does something that displeases me. I threaten divorce like the drop of a nail, devaluing him fully, and saying he is worthless to me.

          This is why it is so important for mothers to have boundaries and not hurt their kids when they are trying to become their own person.

          Adoptees have a further trouble distinguishing between the good and bad in their mother because she is not there, obviously. Therefore they have an automatic split in them that follows them everywhere. They either love or hate people or themselves, depending on what happens. They have no identity because they are stuck in the baby stage of needing that unconditional acceptance from their mother in order to love out in the world on their own. Therefore they are always trying to find others that mirror them unconditionally.