Adoption And Memories of my Past
I woke up today with memories. I was reading my adoption book called Coming Home To Self by Nancy Verrier, and she said that it is time for the adoptee to wake up and see that they are not eternally doomed just because they were adopted, and they need to be in the present more, the abandonment of their mother is over and can never happen again. They tend to act like they don't have an impact on the other person, and have a double standard in relationships where the other person is always at fault but they are not. Also, on page 305 she says that being raised in a family that is genetically different from you may seem emotionally abusive, but it is not, and adoptees with normal parents have had the same upbringing as everyone else. This is unfortunately not true for me, my parents were more abusive than not and hid behind their tempers to get us to listen. It's interesting, I have met other adoptive mothers and they tell me that they see their child is not bonded with them, and they are worried about it, yet my mother never noticed it with me at all, and that shows something integrally wrong with her. For her, she lives in a fantasy world were everything is good because she cannot stand to face pain.
She constantly used to beat up on me about how emotional and intense I was, and I felt flawed for it. She never tried to understand me and the feelings behind it. Once in a while when I brought up my feelings as a child, her voice got heavy as if she was crying from hearing it. But the answer was always, "I did not know, there was nothing I could do."
My adoptive sister used to berate me when I acted cold and in my own world, and yelled at me that I had no right to be crying about my childhood because we all grew up in the same house. She too, pretended all was good and babied me as if we were sisters and close. I did not feel close. Nobody acknowledged that we were not blood-related. I was always confused and sad but no one saw it.
I think one thing about me being adopted is that I am not running away from my pain, I am now open to the fact that I was abandoned as a baby and had to go through something so difficult that no one who is not adopted did. I no longer hide behind false fronts of being happy and perfect, having talents and a prestigious job. I am just me. I do not get defensive about my actions, and if someone had a complaint about my behavior I would be glad to hear. The worst thing for me is not knowing how I make others feel, and dishonesty. If I don't know how I am acting, how can I change for the better? As Ollie Mathews told me, they raised you to be their pet, but they didn't want you to know that. They didn't want me to feel pitiful, but I do and that's reality. Acknowledging it can help me feel better about myself, because it is not my fault that as a baby I went through relinquishment and lost my birth mother and all I knew.
She constantly used to beat up on me about how emotional and intense I was, and I felt flawed for it. She never tried to understand me and the feelings behind it. Once in a while when I brought up my feelings as a child, her voice got heavy as if she was crying from hearing it. But the answer was always, "I did not know, there was nothing I could do."
My adoptive sister used to berate me when I acted cold and in my own world, and yelled at me that I had no right to be crying about my childhood because we all grew up in the same house. She too, pretended all was good and babied me as if we were sisters and close. I did not feel close. Nobody acknowledged that we were not blood-related. I was always confused and sad but no one saw it.
I think one thing about me being adopted is that I am not running away from my pain, I am now open to the fact that I was abandoned as a baby and had to go through something so difficult that no one who is not adopted did. I no longer hide behind false fronts of being happy and perfect, having talents and a prestigious job. I am just me. I do not get defensive about my actions, and if someone had a complaint about my behavior I would be glad to hear. The worst thing for me is not knowing how I make others feel, and dishonesty. If I don't know how I am acting, how can I change for the better? As Ollie Mathews told me, they raised you to be their pet, but they didn't want you to know that. They didn't want me to feel pitiful, but I do and that's reality. Acknowledging it can help me feel better about myself, because it is not my fault that as a baby I went through relinquishment and lost my birth mother and all I knew.
Comments
Post a Comment