Aware Parenting and Seeing Baby's Feelings in Action

-
        I was tired today of waking up 3 times in the wee morning so I cried my frustration and took time to do my own thing. My daughter drifted around and we put on music and acted silly. I then took care of something I got very distracted by, and we cleaned the house a bit. Finally, she started crying tiredly, but as I knew she wouldn't fall asleep. I decided to get some needed supper and we left the house in the frigid cold. She snacked on some avocado from the sushi, and said a few words. I was happy to see she was picking up on more words. We got home very past her bedtime for the night, and she just didn't seem interested in anything and acted distracted. I recognized myself as a kid in her, the look of dejection and hesitation. She repeated after me, and seemed worn out. My heart twisted painfully and I felt beat. I asked my husband to take her, and she screamed and clung to me like a banshee. I knew something was up, so I tried to talk to her and she wouldn't have it. She kept pointing at a book and trying to bite it. I tuned into her inner world, and told her I was there. She struggled away and I began playing a silly game with her and she giggled a lot and engaged in it. Finally she showed signs of being tired and present more, so I picked her up in the carrier to rock her to sleep. She still wouldn't relax, and said "phone" a bunch of times, so I stroked her and she fought me until she burst into tears like a dam had broke. I sighed in relief and realized how I had been under pressure too until now. I feel her tears leave her with her pain, and she feel into a deep rest. Victory.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Insanity

-
          I am so angry. When did everything become so okay? When did emotions become so evil? Why are people so evil? I was pushed down all my life, and gas lighted by every one I know. I am beyond angry, I want to scream until everyone can hear me and get shaken up to their core like I was. Unless they really are not human, and are just masking it in their human bodies. Pretending to be happy, pretending to care, pretending to smile. When all their lives they were just LYING. Lying to me that they were right and I was always wrong. I was never able to feel my feelings. They were always bad and stupid and immature and petty and silly, well I almost died from them, does that satisfy them now? When it all blows up in their faces and they are left shocked with ugly disfigures. HA!          Omg I sound insane, crazy, delusional, straight up retarded.          I don't know what I was meant for in this life, but it...
Read more

Projecting Our Inner Fragmentation on Others Makes Us Need To Control Them

-
We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks. I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues. I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval...
Read more

Finally Accepting Myself

-
I am realizing more now that my daughter is affected by my withdrawing because I can’t focus and be present, and I am lacking seriously in love. It comes from the lack of love for my certain parts, thinking they are unlovable. It scares me when I see her talking on and on to me, trying to extract attention from me in neediness to be seen. It also worries me when I see her not feeling comfortable to eat, because I am not paying attention to her and making her feel comfortable. I worry that she hides her pain of not being loved because I am impatient and short with her at times, I guess because my own inner self was not loved enough at her age. She also tries to hand me back food, as if imitating me trying to please her. I also realized that my intake of not the healthiest foods, like corn cakes and cheese, teaches me to want them also, and then I give them to her those kids of food and keep salad and fruits for myself, while she just nimbles on them. This makes me realize that I am no...
Read more