Crazy Family Dynamics. Where Love Originates

       What's happening to me? My brother came over, and we talked pleasantly and lovingly. He even wanted to hear about our birth parents, and laughed good naturedly about their quirks. We spoke about our family dysfunction with adoptive parents, and I expressed sympathy at how my adoptive Mom is so cold and reactive to him. He indicated that the conversation was too much when I spoke about how our biological sister was snobby to me,  about being punished for sins, and about how our mother was naive and didn't teach us how to navigate the world. Later, though, he said that she wanted to keep him stuck as her son, and not succeed. We both laughed when I said I no longer had contact with adoptive sister, because "it came naturally." We have the same sharp sense of humor, and it was nice to be reflected as family. He showed me pictures of my biological sister, who has 3 kids and talks to him, and as I watched my niece dancing and acting so similarly to me, I was overwhelmed. I knew these kids were related to me, yet I only met them once. A million questions flew in my mind, and a yearning to know them. Then I heard my biological sister in the background, and I felt cold again because of her betrayal. She was the one who did not want to talk to me. All because I brought up the truth. She wanted to live a fake life of pretending all was well and her adoptive mother was the best. When she abused both of us emotionally by not paying attention to adoption pain. When she had so many of her own kids.

        Then my brother got angry at both of us because I tried bringing up a suggestion, which he took as an infringement of his boundaries. I said he may want to meet our birth parents in order to find himself, before he makes the decision to transition to female. He was furious because, he said, I wasn't seeing that that wasn't going to help. He said it doesn't matter to him, he needed to deal with his identity first. I said this is also a primary problem that affects your identity, but he said he didn't see it. It hurt when he said I had a bad way of dealing with it as a kid because I pushed away all my memories of them, while he remembers them clearly and was not impressed by them. He said selfishly, that they are losers and can not help him with anything because they are so messed up. I said that wasn't the point, the point was it can open you up to feeling like you matter and heal your pain of being abandoned as a baby. He told me that I was always forcing people into things about couldn't see and accept them, which was why my biological sister was done with me too. It hurt to be accused. I was only trying to show them the truth. He was so angry that he accused my husband and I of being stable so we could handle the adoption issue, and my husband got hurt and said that this was not true, that we have our issues to deal with too. My brother laughed and said it cannot be worst than his, gender dysphoria and never having any friend in the world who understood him all his life, and my husband was fuming as he said you cannot decide that my pain doesn't count. My brother pushed him, and mocked him by saying, "Oh so your father makes jokes against you? That's your suffering?" He was so hurt and angry. I told him to stop, and he said, "Oh you have to defend your spouse I get it. It's messed up though." It was hurtful. I told him he was needy and maybe we couldn't handle it. He blew up at that, out of shame at being called out for it I guess, and denied it. He finally left in quiet. My husband and I agreed that we were hurt, and he was too self-focused and victim like, but then we said that maybe he was right that we should see him more and we were fooling ourselves by thinking we saw him. We ended the night positively by staying up and talking about our issues with our relationship. How we were so insecure about our roles. I hadn't realised that he felt  uncomfortable with bringing up my disinterest in him. I told him it came from our disconnection. We spoke about needing to be more open about our needs.

        I don't know my life enough. I sit in my own corner and work on my pain, but at least I don't fall victim to what society wants of me. To be a robotic, working, unfeeling mother. I know how much I'm missing by not having contact with my sisters, I see how beautiful her kids are. But I know it's not my choice, that I am true to myself. Hopefully one day she will change. It would be nice to have more biological family mirroring.

          All this made me see how strong I am for sticking to my guns. For loving my daughter, when she is the only family I have around for miles. How hard it is for my biological (and adoptive) family to love unconditionally. Sigh. I hope one day we will be returned to love.