Developing Boundaries As an Adoptee
I used to not have good boundaries. I thought I was worthless, and had to look good in order to get attention from anyone. I spent lots of time stressing on my looks and attention I got. I relied on catcalls and people wanting to get with me for my validation of being a person.
Not now. Now I see those things as sacred and violations of my privacy when people call me beautiful and seem to think I am perfect without proving their loyalty to me. Such as by showing they understand me or care about my values. I chose who to let in and don't just let anyone who smiles or seems interested know who I am. I don't automatically trust their judgement of me either. It makes life a lot easier when I am stronger in my sense of self, and want to listen to my own intuition.
I want to give my daughter a sense of her own importance and self respect, too. I love to watch her be herself and learn new things on her own pace, it gives me great pleasure. By seeing her as she is, she will get the sense that she matters and does not have to be something she isn't for love and validation. Innocence of her laugh when I twirl her around, and her pointing at a picture of an angry face and repeating "angee" from hearing it from me earlier. Seeing how she watches and gets hurts when new people say, "Why are you screaming so loud?" to her in their annoyance. I accept that she has a loud voice and don't try to change her. She may be expressing her feelings. I know how I was hurt as a 5 year old when people told me to stop when I was having fun made me feel very misunderstood and ashamed. I do think when you are put down as a child it hinders your self-esteem and can cut deeply, especially when you have no trust in your primary caregivers. I want her to have boundaries and know she is amazing for the person she is. I struggle with that, still not believing my husband when he says he loves me for who I am. I feel very flawed and like a wandering soul with no real self. I keep trying to find myself in life, by seeing what I love and going in directions that make me happy. I am a lot less dependent on others for love, and am slowly growing to see my beauty even when I have negative emotions. Being adopted is hard and complicated. The never feeling good enough, always need to advance, not trusting myself. It's like walking on a tightrope every day and waiting for the peace that never seems to come. Random shoots of anger that I can not express because I feel like I will explode because it is so great. Breaking down finally and admitting it is too much to handle, and that I really do need love and not fights. Apologizing and promising to not hurt my lover again. Until I feel worthless and rejected inside again for some random action. So I try to explain my feelings, and we see it is not his fault that I am so mad. It is the past person who totally neglected my emotions' fault.
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