Remember Who We Are- Feeling Emptiness In The Day and Then Full Of Rage
I spiraled today. I think I was on a tight ship the entire day, because my husband had overly praised me last night about how much he admired and appreciated what a "good job I was doing with our daughter." He said it was really hard to do what I was doing, and he'd never be able to do it because he was so nervous. I agreed, and said it was in my nature so not hard for me to be kind to her and want a loving relationship.
So, today he came home early because of a stressed and tired mood, and I had it in the back of my mind that I was his "savior" and perfect with my daughter. This caused me to put pressure on myself to be perfect. I made him a soup, and took my daughter to the library and watched her run around because I felt so much guilt at her not being paid attention to. When we came home, my husband annoyingly said, " does she need a nap now? Because she looks tired." I said no, and please don't pressure me about this. I hate when he acts like a referee like that. He said sorry quickly and ran away.
I put pressure on myself to see her, and was not in it. It felt so boring to talk to her, and I thought of how she was not even listening and understanding and got angry inside. I repressed myself and went to put her to sleep at her usual time. She felt it and did not relax. I took time to myself and ate too many cookies, watched adoptee reunion with birth family videos, and 4:30, I got in a good mood and decided to sing happily to her my favorite songs, but I was overly hyper and it soon died down. She still wasn't sleeping. I got angry at myself for being "a worthless nothing," barely accomplishing anything, and not being able to see her, so I start raging to myself. The tears were stuck inside for a few minutes and then a few stubborn ones rolled down my cheeks, and I felt like everything was so unfair. I knew it was irrational, and had no idea where it came from but there was a ton of anger and hatred in me, I wanted to hurt something or someone, but I really wanted to hurt myself. I looked at the clock and knew it would be over soon, and she'd be sleeping and I would go back to "normal." But this was insane, and I have to figure out why I am so childish and needing-to-get-my-way or else go into full-on tantrum/panic attack. It is not pretty.
Honestly, I am not perfect and not even a model parent. I am someone stuck in CPTSD trauma and unforgiving of my parents and elders. I am a child stuck in my body. I cannot deal with normal responsibilities. This is hard and aggravating. Just because I am doing it and my husband isn't, we both have the same trauma issues to deal with and are both so messed-up. I need to know that my daughter loves me even when I cannot see her, and she will always love me and want me to work on myself. I cannot repress myself to be a perfect mother for her, it will not work. She loves me as I am, however unfortunate it is, for being her mother. I need to keep in mind that I am not perfect. She knows that too, she can sense my moods. We have a relationship, even though it is full of flaws. That is comforting.
So, today he came home early because of a stressed and tired mood, and I had it in the back of my mind that I was his "savior" and perfect with my daughter. This caused me to put pressure on myself to be perfect. I made him a soup, and took my daughter to the library and watched her run around because I felt so much guilt at her not being paid attention to. When we came home, my husband annoyingly said, " does she need a nap now? Because she looks tired." I said no, and please don't pressure me about this. I hate when he acts like a referee like that. He said sorry quickly and ran away.
I put pressure on myself to see her, and was not in it. It felt so boring to talk to her, and I thought of how she was not even listening and understanding and got angry inside. I repressed myself and went to put her to sleep at her usual time. She felt it and did not relax. I took time to myself and ate too many cookies, watched adoptee reunion with birth family videos, and 4:30, I got in a good mood and decided to sing happily to her my favorite songs, but I was overly hyper and it soon died down. She still wasn't sleeping. I got angry at myself for being "a worthless nothing," barely accomplishing anything, and not being able to see her, so I start raging to myself. The tears were stuck inside for a few minutes and then a few stubborn ones rolled down my cheeks, and I felt like everything was so unfair. I knew it was irrational, and had no idea where it came from but there was a ton of anger and hatred in me, I wanted to hurt something or someone, but I really wanted to hurt myself. I looked at the clock and knew it would be over soon, and she'd be sleeping and I would go back to "normal." But this was insane, and I have to figure out why I am so childish and needing-to-get-my-way or else go into full-on tantrum/panic attack. It is not pretty.
Honestly, I am not perfect and not even a model parent. I am someone stuck in CPTSD trauma and unforgiving of my parents and elders. I am a child stuck in my body. I cannot deal with normal responsibilities. This is hard and aggravating. Just because I am doing it and my husband isn't, we both have the same trauma issues to deal with and are both so messed-up. I need to know that my daughter loves me even when I cannot see her, and she will always love me and want me to work on myself. I cannot repress myself to be a perfect mother for her, it will not work. She loves me as I am, however unfortunate it is, for being her mother. I need to keep in mind that I am not perfect. She knows that too, she can sense my moods. We have a relationship, even though it is full of flaws. That is comforting.
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