Feeling Empty Inside
Sometimes I feel numb, and blank inside. Okay, maybe daily. I wake up unsure of who I am or what I want to do, and I feel forced to do the chores of getting dressed and going out. I realized that is because of the people I am around- you can only grow as much as the people around you are growing. I guess I feel like a lone sheep (If that is the right expression) in this neighborhood. People see me as unrelatable, because I am not so stuck with doing what everyone else is doing. I am not into shopping and other every day activities, I am focused on figuring myself and life out. Sometimes, I attract overly religious people because of my hair-covering, and I do not feel comfortable with them.
So I drown in my own misery, without anyone to share my day with. I feel crazy, and like I'm doing something wrong in my parenting. I start to doubt my daughter loving me, and I think she is damaged beyond repair. I liked seeing her act bubbly on the bus the other day, and I see her talking a lot in the morning, but then at night I feel like she's all repressed and sad. I apologize, and every night is a whole struggle of going through what went wrong all day. Such as, when I ignored her too much to focus on myself because I was depressed, or took her out in a sling because I had no patience letting her walk on her own because she does not follow or walk normal pace as me as we went on the city streets to get to the park or grocery store.
Even though I know the truth, that I am doing the right thing and making myself happy, I still sink into despair and unsureness about who I am. I listen to faith lectures. They say that having fear in G-d is important factor in doing the right thing, because you know there is consequence for your actions, and the more you understand that the easier time you will have doing the right thing. I found this with eating- when I wanted a pastry from the bakery, I saw them all as not healthy and damaging for my body, so I was turned off from them. Reality is that we are only here temporarily, and need to make the most of it by creating good deeds and memories. I see the reward of it when I see my daughter happy to express herself without fear because I let her be. I guess it goes back to feeling unworthy inside, and like I am a victim. That makes me act like I am less-than everyone else, and feel insecure. I want to be happy already, though, and see all the blessing I have in my life, such as my daughter and our freedom to do what we want.
I was thinking that when people have a childhood where they we're denied love from their parents they have a harder time feeling important and living in the present. Taking the blessing that they do have. We are going to check out apartments in a my birth parents' town, and that is a step forward to feeling more real.
So I drown in my own misery, without anyone to share my day with. I feel crazy, and like I'm doing something wrong in my parenting. I start to doubt my daughter loving me, and I think she is damaged beyond repair. I liked seeing her act bubbly on the bus the other day, and I see her talking a lot in the morning, but then at night I feel like she's all repressed and sad. I apologize, and every night is a whole struggle of going through what went wrong all day. Such as, when I ignored her too much to focus on myself because I was depressed, or took her out in a sling because I had no patience letting her walk on her own because she does not follow or walk normal pace as me as we went on the city streets to get to the park or grocery store.
Even though I know the truth, that I am doing the right thing and making myself happy, I still sink into despair and unsureness about who I am. I listen to faith lectures. They say that having fear in G-d is important factor in doing the right thing, because you know there is consequence for your actions, and the more you understand that the easier time you will have doing the right thing. I found this with eating- when I wanted a pastry from the bakery, I saw them all as not healthy and damaging for my body, so I was turned off from them. Reality is that we are only here temporarily, and need to make the most of it by creating good deeds and memories. I see the reward of it when I see my daughter happy to express herself without fear because I let her be. I guess it goes back to feeling unworthy inside, and like I am a victim. That makes me act like I am less-than everyone else, and feel insecure. I want to be happy already, though, and see all the blessing I have in my life, such as my daughter and our freedom to do what we want.
I was thinking that when people have a childhood where they we're denied love from their parents they have a harder time feeling important and living in the present. Taking the blessing that they do have. We are going to check out apartments in a my birth parents' town, and that is a step forward to feeling more real.
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