Fleas From Narcissistic and Borderline Family

        A person who grew up with narcissistic parents are at a greater disadvantage than normal people, because they pick up "fleas" on how to act by their parents.  They are. Cultivated and groomed with a different version of "normal" than what is actually good for them, good environment for their souls to thrive. They are taught to be against their intuition,  and be confused about how to live so they look to others for opinion on everything. Not trusting themselves on a brand of toothpaste. They have such a deep-seated unsureness of themselves that makes them behave like minions running around to serve the world.

     My mother is like this I realized, she is always overly concerned about what others think, despite her saying that she is comfortable with herself. It is a lie. She accused me of being self conscious and too moody, when she always was. Always being super affected by every one's mood around her, and as you know, you only get affected if it is in you too. She was and is so reactive, having a big temper when she wasn't listened to. And then claiming it was all the other person's fault and she is perfect and a victim. That is why I operate like that too sometimes. Shutting down and blaming others for my pain. And she always pretended to be so sunny, and not notice when people were annoyed at her because she lived in a fake reality where everyone was pleased by her. When my father called her names, she didn't care and attributed it to him being mental and unstable. She made herself cold and unfeeling. She forced me into her fake view by saying I cannot see others as faking interest, because than I was being negative and bad. She claimed to love her father, but felt bored by visits to him alone when he was sick. 

         She claims she loves me, but has no patience for my pain. Because of her I thought everyone was like this, and I was "too heavy" as she said. Because of her I almost never loved myself.  I got her fleas and now am working on ridding myself of them. It is harder than people who grew up with true love, because they know themselves and have less shame. They can be kind and see others easier. It requires getting through my good addiction to make me feel better, my false front of pretending I am perfect because of the shame of feeling like a nothing, the false need to masquerade behind achievement to feel like a person worth anyone's attention, the bursts of anger and indignation that come out of nowhere, the up and down of seeing my husband as the enemy or the love of my life, etc. I have to cut through all this nonsense until I can see reality.

       Which is: that I am beautiful, that I am imperfect but that is okay, that I have good skills in homemaking, cooking, healthy habits, mothering, being loving and supportive, have a kind but sometimes gets down from CPTSD himself too, husband. Which makes him be self-involved, prone to screaming, a perfectionist, procrastinator, and sad at times. My entire family has issues, some of them dangerously infringing on boundaries of others, and they don't know it. They get hurt and angry when it is pointed out, but it is still true. I cannot please them into loving me. They never will see me for who I am. I need to let go of that hope and focus on myself. Cut the strings of attachment to them and pleasing them. I am not responsible for their lives or their happiness. Only my own. And once I can claim that, I will no longer feel guilt and weight from failing to fix them and everyone.