How to use Alchemy With My Borderline Mother
My mother listened to me when I told her gently how to treat my daughter. She looked hurt, but said nothing. Too much was at stake- our entire relationship. She knows me as being strong now. I am no longer desperate. I don't need her approval because I trust my opinions and am strong in my convictions. I have backed proof that they are solid. Such as the importance to let babies throw tantrums because it is their emotions and not to stifle them. She said my daughter may be manipulating me because she learns that I pick her up when she screams. I said first of all, I let her cry and don't stifle her feelings, it is important not to. I still have bad habits of not listening to my feelings because of how I learned they were "bad" and now I have to learn to express them. She was visibly surprised. Don't know what she was thinking in her borderline mind, but it felt good.
She also was very excited about the food, and I didn't look down on that because I understand that she is too hard on herself and food is a tough thing to let go of. I understand the abuse I gave myself all the years for over eating, and I let that go now. So I didn't get nervous with her for it. We are allowed to enjoy when we need. I looked at her as if she has a child mind with this, as it is probably true. As do I. When we are kind to ourselves, we can be kind to others. It is important to pay attention and love your needs, and not abuse yourself. Be honest.
I told her that my past psychologists didn't help about adoption because they needed more help than me, and she disagreed and said maybe they were right and did not want to overwhelm you with the adoption book. I said no, the truth is important and they shouldn't have held back from telling me where my issues come from. It would have helped instead of making me feel like I was the crazy one and at fault when I was struggling with self-esteem. She was quiet and sat back. I appreciated her listening, and recognized her compulsive need to fix everything. I sidestepped it, showing that I was strong in my beliefs.
She as usual tried to leave quickly after giving my daughter a kiss, which my daughter actually liked, and babbled to her, and I felt like staying with her a bit more. Call it the need for closure, trying to make up my childhood sadness, but I went with her to a store and let her buy me some food that she offered to pay for. I saw how she was efficient in not relying on anyone, and not expecting connections, so I walked with her more and then said goodbye as she was scurrying back to work. I just watched On The Borderline, by Richard Grannon on YouTube, and he said that the Borderline will often abandon you first because they so fear rejection. This is similar to how she acted, with a kiss and then running away quickly as if scared I didn't like her company. She said goodbye and kissed me, and I waved and walked away. I felt terrible emptiness, like leftovers from my childhood hurt. I pictured myself as a kid feeling misunderstood and I understood why. I let myself grieve a bit. And I felt better about things. I can't change her but I changed my reaction. Maybe this is healing.
I see that when I know myself and do not question every notion in my heart, just follow it with confidence, it shows and I radiate acceptance. Accept others and the situation, no longer staying in my head trying to figure out how to be. I just am, and do. Love.
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