I am a Feather in the Wind

        I realized something that was deeply imbedded that was itching in me. I feel so lost and disconnected. I am a walking contradiction, yearning for a deep spirituality yet feeling like I don't belong in my own skin, how much more so to G-d. I am so confused this leads me to cognitive dissonance every day, as I try to balance looking obviously orthodox religious in a world were it is so rare, with feeling deeply ashamed of myself within my psyche like I don't belong in this world or anywhere for that matter. I try to hide my feelings everywhere I go, but spending the entire day out in the public eye really got to me. The inevitable judgement of others and the true way I felt inside was screaming contrasts, and I felt myself melting away like a cheese string being eaten. I had a long deep thought and recognized the problem.

         I read in the adoptee book by Betty Jean Lifton a few days ago something that hit me as profound and true. Adoptees are the furthest from their connection to G-d because of their being ripped away from their birth mother, thus making their identity become stripped away. They feel abandoned by all, and most of all, by G-d. I guess having had no one validate my lost identity makes me feel doubtful of it's validity, so I keep needing to remind myself. And those times come in my desperation of feeling nothing and wanting to feel something. Feeling worthless and foundation-less. When I can't look anyone in the eye, not even myself. A day of recharging and getting lost in doing what I like can help greatly, making me feel somewhat normal, but when I try to find connection with others all I reach is distrust and a feeling of intolerable vulnerability, which I of course mask with uncaring or over-friendliness to compensate. It is exhausting and inauthentic either way. So the only thing left to do is explore the whereabouts of this shame and begin to tolerate it. Enough to be genuine at least once to some (un)fortunate human in my life. 

       And then my birth siblings tell me I'm wrong. Make me feel crazy for the way I am, when I see clearly that they do the same too- either being too-closed in or overly-compensating in their cheerfulness in order to be accepted by others. I see it like red flags and it smells. When they deny it, it hurts very deeply in my subconscious and further brings out my feeling of being unreal. They are unreal, too, and are merely living for the show and not themselves. They feel pain and horror inside just as I do when they are all alone, but they hide from it. I will disconnect as long as I am not strong enough to stand up to them on my own. I'm a bit shaky, like a house of cards about to fall over. With outside opposition to my life I can't hold myself up, and I need a strong-hold to rely on. Like myself. 

        So, the values. I can't say I am a hundred percent true about them, I am just trying to do what I can to live my life for a purpose. I dress modestly because I actually enjoy not getting gawked at or hit on by horny, uncontrollable men. I also feel good doing it, because I know it will reap me benefits in my future and when my kids grow up. Do I ever want to wear jeans or short dresses? Yes. But the not doing it brings me so much more benefits that that wish is drowned out. I feel privileged to not have to focus on my looks and sexiness and be able to think about things that are of more value to me- my future, my family's future, and truth of life's shortness and the importance of being internally fulfilled. It brings my life one less worry. So yeah, I am religious because of selfish reasons, not because I am some saint. I still suffer embarrassment and shame of myself. Being religious does not make that part any easier. I trudge along a harsh path, aware and waiting for my brothers' ambushes and accusing judgements. She's fake, she's not real, she thinks she's greater than anyone else. I don't, I feel like an awkward banshee, floating in the wilderness. Sometimes the disconnect from fellow family and strangers is so great and sharp that I almost wish I can just look and act like them- oblivious and ignoring pain with overcompensating-confidence, but the truth of knowledge that I learned is too real to ignore and give up. 

       So here I am, stuck in limbo once again, not sure if I matter or am dead to every one. Even worst, a pain and bother that needs to be annihilated. But I am trying to trust what I have, the tools of self-love and compassion, to hold myself strong and not to waver to non-believers. They don't want me anyway, so I am lucky to have no choice to be like them. I am me, as crazy as it seems, and I will thrive.