Knowing Our Needs To Meet Them Unashamedly
By knowing our natures and not beating ourselves up for it, we can accept ourselves and move forward in life. I used to feel guilty for a lot of my basic needs, because I was trained to feel shame for who I was, thinking everything about me was flawed. Therefore I do not let myself go when I have pain from my needs being not met, such as wanting time to myself and my daughter not being able to fall asleep. I get so frustrated, because I feel so undeserving of having needs, that I get annoyed at her for not being good, when really I just need to see that the reason I am nervous is because I am not meeting my own needs. Once I am able to see that, I am calmer and can listen to her. I put my needs aside momentarily and focus on the task at hand- being calm and collected so she can feel loved. When I saw my frustration, it made everything make more sense, and although I was still angry, she sensed that I was more in control and was able to sleep. And I got my time to myself.
Women need attention and caring to be happy in marriage. Without it they falter. Says John Gray in Men Are From Mars... So true and I'm not ashamed. We are the queen of the house and do the housework, and take care of the bond in our families. Therefore, of course we would need respect and appreciation. When we repress our needs, as John Gray says women do because they never learned that their needs were important from their parent's model of relationships, we become nasty and sulky in backhand ways, and make our men feel worthless. Men need to feel trusted and acceptance for who they are, and when the woman devalues him in this way, with her intonations of anger and contempt, he feels shoved under the bus and gets defensive. This further angers the woman, who feels unvalidated for her hurt, and misunderstood. They need to voice their true needs, and then they would be happy to fulfill them because a man and woman naturally do those things for each other. I naturally rely on my husband to take care of the physical work in our home, and he naturally appreciates and cherishes my deep caring of him and my sensitive nature. Also, women need to be able to vent their feelings and be validated for it, and men just give solutions because that is what they would need. A man would say, "You'll be alright," but a woman needs to hear, "That sounds hard for you." Women apologize to show they understand, but men only apologize when they feel they did something wrong, so when a woman apologizes because she sees her husband upset, he can take that to mean she feels regret for hurting him when in reality she is just trying to show that she feels for him. Therefore, the woman will still feel unheard and hurt by her husband's harshness.
When we know our needs, we can understand another person's separate needs, and not project our own onto them. This is why men and woman fit so well, because they are so different and can teach each other how to cater to someone who is so different. Teaches us how to see people objectively. It is cool how G-d made man and woman so opposite from each other, to learn from each other. Once they know one another, they can get along great and rub off on each other, until they are each able to be integrated into understanding both sides of each other. It is funny, because although I always was wired to give other sympathy and validation, I enjoy being able to see straight out and relying on my husband, and it gives me break to get my needs met without so much effort. I feel free to be myself. I like seeing my husband make an effort to give me validation for my feelings, it makes me feel cared for.
Women need attention and caring to be happy in marriage. Without it they falter. Says John Gray in Men Are From Mars... So true and I'm not ashamed. We are the queen of the house and do the housework, and take care of the bond in our families. Therefore, of course we would need respect and appreciation. When we repress our needs, as John Gray says women do because they never learned that their needs were important from their parent's model of relationships, we become nasty and sulky in backhand ways, and make our men feel worthless. Men need to feel trusted and acceptance for who they are, and when the woman devalues him in this way, with her intonations of anger and contempt, he feels shoved under the bus and gets defensive. This further angers the woman, who feels unvalidated for her hurt, and misunderstood. They need to voice their true needs, and then they would be happy to fulfill them because a man and woman naturally do those things for each other. I naturally rely on my husband to take care of the physical work in our home, and he naturally appreciates and cherishes my deep caring of him and my sensitive nature. Also, women need to be able to vent their feelings and be validated for it, and men just give solutions because that is what they would need. A man would say, "You'll be alright," but a woman needs to hear, "That sounds hard for you." Women apologize to show they understand, but men only apologize when they feel they did something wrong, so when a woman apologizes because she sees her husband upset, he can take that to mean she feels regret for hurting him when in reality she is just trying to show that she feels for him. Therefore, the woman will still feel unheard and hurt by her husband's harshness.
When we know our needs, we can understand another person's separate needs, and not project our own onto them. This is why men and woman fit so well, because they are so different and can teach each other how to cater to someone who is so different. Teaches us how to see people objectively. It is cool how G-d made man and woman so opposite from each other, to learn from each other. Once they know one another, they can get along great and rub off on each other, until they are each able to be integrated into understanding both sides of each other. It is funny, because although I always was wired to give other sympathy and validation, I enjoy being able to see straight out and relying on my husband, and it gives me break to get my needs met without so much effort. I feel free to be myself. I like seeing my husband make an effort to give me validation for my feelings, it makes me feel cared for.
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