Learning to Love my Weaknesses

        I am starting to integrate my weaknesses into my personality as accepted. I used to be embarrassed of people seeing my pain and deep shame of my emotions, but now I see them as deep and more beautiful. I like to listen to deeply emotional songs that have despair in them and I see how these feelings are acceptable for others by me, so what's wrong with having them myself? Nothing. Also nut husband used to annoy me for enjoying himself instead of being productive, and now I see it as normal instead of awful, so I accept myself too for letting myself go sometimes because I understand how I needed out from real life at that time because it was too much for me. As long as we are trying to see why we do the things we do, we are getting healthier. It is the worst feeling to shame yourself because of something you have no control over. It's CPTSD, and the only way to conquer it is with love and understanding. Otherwise we are not really living, merely repressing our selves. Don't bully yourself, it's just continuing the old cycle of abuse. Time to love and be whole. Kindness for others has to start within. 

           Another thing, I used to blame my husband for not praising my good actions- but now I realized it'll be worthless for him to do that because I first need to acknowledge myself. Otherwise, I feel worthless and am only doing things for the outside. When I am proud of myself, I don't need any recognition, only as a courtesy for him. He needs to do that for himself. I cannot control anyone but myself. When I yell at him, it only reinforces his own programmed shame and self-hate from how he felt growing up. 

          Same with my daughter. I can't decide how she feels I can only watch and learn. I used to feel scared she feels dumb when I talk to my husband because she doesn't understand, but now I see that that was projection. She actually doesn't seem to be hurt, she understands her place- as a toddler that doesn't know everything we do yet. I cannot project how I feel she must feel, because that is not seeing her for who she actually is. I see now that the truth is, because we have showed her acceptance and unconditional love a lot of times, she is actually a much more confident and self-trusting baby than I was. As Lisa Romano says in her meditation today for healing from growing up with narcissistic abuse from parents, children need love and mirroring that they are love, and when they don't get that they walk around all their lives needing love like air to breathe in. So true, this is how I used to live until I woke up.