Meeting My Needs Calms Me

         I realized that I have to make my own fun sometimes, when I in a down state. So today I woke up and decided to spontaneously meet my husband during his lunch break in the neighboring area, a bus ride away. We got up, got dressed, ate breakfast and listened to some Ollie Mathews The Narcissist Resistance channel videos. He said some things that were profound, like how narcissists get worst as they age. In The Narcissist Will NEVER Validate You, to a woman who was hesitant about leaving her mother out of her life because she wanted to take charge and embarrass and minimize her all over again by saying she was a messy kid, and the woman realized that she still based her whole self worth on how her mother saw her, he said that she better lock this woman out of her life. I agreed fully, when someone is so detrimental to your feelings of happiness you need to listen to yourself and what you need. These days, I listen more to my intuition and when something hurts me I don't ignore it. Such as this morning, I told my husband something I felt that was off about his mentor, and he said it's probably not true, and I realized after he left that he had ignored my feelings and I didn't answer.

        Anyway, we decided to meet and my husband picked a place, making sure it was near a park we can walk to after. I realized on the bus that I no longer had this victim feelings and fear of others judging me harshly, and I realized that if I stand up and believe in my rights as a human equal to them, I felt much more comfortable and did not get insecure and look away from anyone who looked my way. My daughter must have felt my hesitation a bit, so she watched the people too, but I guess it's normal to have a limited friendliness with strangers because we do not know what they are like. One man made a place for me to sit by sending his young son to sit else where, and I felt nervous sitting there so I thanked him but went to the back.

         I got there before him, and the place was busy I guess because of the legal holiday. I noticed how I didn't feel as awkward and out of place as I used to in there, thinking everyone saw how messed up I was inside. I guess I know I am healthier now. I met an old, old acquaintance, and she came up to me first. Our faces had both aged a bit, knowing each other 10 years ago, and I was happy she remembered me. We went to camp out of town from the same elementary class, and became a group of friends with 2 other of my friends there. We had a grand time together, all feeling sour about the tight rules there and holding on to each other for support. I guess we all had our issues in different ways, and the way we came together was fun. We didn't all keep up after, her and I were very different and she was shy but I thought too cool for me. She thought I was weird I think, based on the comments she made about me being "in my own world" to a best friend of mine, and I felt embarrassed but knew it had truth. I was stuck in a fairytale world where I had to be chirpy all the time because I anticipated everyone else's mood in order to be accepted. She was quiet and uninterested in everything, deeply wounded by some personal, dark past. I always liked her though. She was caring, sensitive and funny when you got to know her, if you were able to. I guess we both had our walls up too thick. Anyway, she barely remembered me, and I showed much more enthusiasm to see her. I chattered about the past, and she had her usual, large eyes and slow-mannered talk. I think she felt more popular in the past, so she got her confidence from that. It was like we were back in time, the roles we were in. She made a point of saying she didn't remember anything, and treated me as if I were a random classmate she barely knew. I didn't care, and told her she probably didn't remember me as well as I her because that group of friends we had in camp meant more to me. She interjected that it was because I went to that camp longer, and I said no I had not but I remembered better, probably because she had more experiences after that than me. I knew she had lived abroad for a few years during and after high school. We smiled and were happy to note that we both settled down and had a child. We both didn't like the city either, but stayed here for necessity. I wished I had asked her to stay in touch, but I did not because I was not sure it was a good idea. I wished her well. It is nice to see that we were both more independent now. I even told her about my birth family, as she had known  Iwas adopted. Maybe meeting an old friend my age helped me feel more in touch with humanity.

          My husband and I spoke more openly about his parent's dysfunctionality when he was a kid, and I listened. He opened up himself, and I would not push him to tell me everything before he could, as I heard about healing from CPTSD- You Can't Get This From Adult Relationships by Celticcounselling. She said that when someone has cptsd it indicates abuse in childhood, because it does not just appear on its own. That is why my husband is "emotionally checked out" so much of the time, as well as I. He was terrified of doing anything his parents would blow up about, as they did often. He said yesterday that his mother once threw his father's clothes out the window when she was mad, and she would yell at him all the way to his car when he went there during a fight. She was a control freak, as well. Therefore, he sees me that way at times and is scared  make any mistake. I understand him better now. I had wondered the other day why he never seemed to mind when I blew up at him, always loyal afterward. This is why. We both have to work on our reactions to perceived uncaring acts, as he blows up at me when I am mad, and he gets angry when I tell him to stop raging. He sees it as me trying to control him, and not let his feelings be there. He has to own his feelings, and me too. 

          My daughter played and  had tantrums for her frustration at not being free to run and play on the bus in the park. Then we went home and the landlord came to do work. I was relaxed and happy the floor was clean because I mopped yesterday. She fell asleep and I marvelled how calm I was, which probably helped a lot.