My Religion and Repression Of The Emotions

         Growing up religious did a lot to me. A lot of what I heard was to not give in to your desires and not focus on pleasure, or else you were bad and not spiritual. Also, dressing provocative in any way was deeply shunned, as well as listening to rap music or rock. We did it all anyway, and got into trouble all the time. But it etched something deep on my soul, that who I was was unacceptable. I see now that a lot of the communities and irreligious people we looked down on are much happier than us in a way, in not repressing themselves. They are more open and accepting of others, not jumping instantly to make judgements on them based on how they dress, what they eat, how they are acting. There is more acceptance and tolerance of certain things, like dancing and laughing in public, showing affection, being kind to strangers, and any way others chose to dress. They have less restrictions, so are understanding of other's behaviors, whearas by us, there is more expectations and standards about how people act so it sometimes causes people to feel unwarranted hostility to their neighbor when they seem to hold less standards. It caused me to feel more flawed about myself, especially when I became a teenager and my hormones kicked in along with my neediness of love, and I began to seek "unacceptable" relationships. I felt shamed about it and felt branded "bad." But I had no other known options of how to be myself. It seemed impossible to live with my pain and be "good."

          I also felt like I didn't belong anywhere, anyway so I had less guilt about breaking rules. Being adopted made me feel unconnected to my family or peers, and I felt deeply disfigured inside. Therefore, of course I did not care or feel capable of being like anyone else. My mother didn't seem to care that I was doing what I wanted, as long as I didn't shame her by acting totally out of line. So I pretended all was good and snuck out and did whatever I wanted.

         Now this bug still follows me, of feeling like if you don't act perfect according to the standards the community holds, you are less-than. I know for myself that this is not true, that every one has their level. But I still repress my desires and feelings and see them as "dirty." I see a lot of the mental unhealthiness they have, because they live in their heads of what they HAVE to be like, instead of combining their emotions and feelings in what they do, too. There is a lot of uncertainty in trusting yourself, because emotions can be unhealthy and people feel pushed down due to needing to look "good." It is a complicated mess, and I am still working on integrating my emotions with my knowledge of the right way to act.