Narcissists Ruling the Streets

      The way I see it, in my town, everyone thinks nobody cares about them. They all have to force people to pay attention to them, believing they have to take what they want or else no body will give it to them. I am not imagining it. Perhaps they felt only cared for when they were doing for others, so they need to assert themselves in order to survive. Being "kind" means losing themselves to the other person. They all answer with fronts in their voices, toughness that will not peel away ever. It is stuck there. The minute you assert yourself, they either respond with respect or annoyance. I did not have my credit card with me when I went to buy some vegetables, and not enough money to pay, and he already grabbed all my items to check them out. I told him no, I did not have money. He was very surprised and edgy for that. It was not my fault, I did not mean to forget my money. It happens. But I felt judged and affronted.

       My father sat in his hospital chair huffily, and did not answer my greetings and talk. He was affronted at me, expecting me to baby him and see what a victim he was. I did not play in, and noticed how crazy and sad he was acting like. My 17 month old baby is not even as needy as him. I saw he expected me to feed him the ice cream I had brought for him. I stopped after 2 spoons, feeling like an idiot. He fed himself begrudgingly. When he snapped at me that my daughter was doing something wrong because she touched his bed, I said, "Okay we're going to have to go now." I could not be there anymore. He seemed to appreciate my initiative, and acted as if he expected people to leave him anyway. I told him we'd come visit again when we could.

        I can only do things that work for me, I can't visit people against my own ability to be emotionally present for them. On the way home, I thought of how true it was that the ignorant narcissistic people ran the world, while ignorant enablers promoted them. I do not know how we are surviving.