Pain gets Passed Down When It Is Not Acknowledged

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       A mother is supposed to love her biological child. If there is a disruption the child will feel it. And not know how to love himself unless he faces it, validates it. Either gets remorse from his parent, or separates from them until he forgives and accepts that they are flawed and narcissistic if can't admit their wrongdoing. I realized this after waking up from a dream where I was trying to get my adoptive mother to own up to her emotional neglecting me. I was shaking her and she was a baby at one point, and wouldn't show any expression as I cried. She was so numb. I told her about how she didn't respect her husband, never showed love, never tried to be there for my brother. She just said "What can I do now?" and didn't want to apologize. She had too much pride. Maybe it was overstepping her boundaries to scream at her about the pain she caused, if it was too much for her to hear. But it hurt a lot. For some reason she is emotionally blocked from taking responsibility for her lack of seeing her childrens pain and being there for us.

          My husband's Mentor was here yesterday and heard our story. He acknowledged and validated me about my need to be close to my birth parents. He understood about my parents not being able to see my emotions. He said his wife's parents do the same. He said the question is now, am I happy with my current family. I said not always, I still feel this nag to know my birth parents. They made me physically, so a part of my identity is unknown. He listened, and said it seems that since they are not all there emotionally I will still need to work on my emotional health alone. I need support, a therapist that knows about adoption. We said how we are not really living, present, at times because we are too wrapped up in the painful feelings from past. We need to help each other and ourselves see them. He understood when I said I felt the need to not see my adoptive parents for now. 

           I see that if a person is aware of their emotions, they will not expect others to see them, but if he does not acknowledge his feelings he will expect others to validate them. The more I work on seeing my feelings, past ones especially that come up now, I can be aware of them and not let them control me. Not let me hurt others by ignoring their pain as I ignore my own. 

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