Seeing My Newfound Confidence on the Trip

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          Seeing my husband talk so freely with the narcissistic owner of the little shop we were buying snacks in for a late supper, with no open insecurities, made me realize what different worlds we come from. Although he was damaged deeply as a baby, he did not display obvious hostility towards anyone like I do when I feel threatened, a c-ptsd trigger that causes me to clam up. I admire that about my husband, and find it refreshing about him. His ability to engage conversation with anyone about mutual interests without it coming off as creepy or needy. I am learning a lot about us on this trip and it's good to get away. When I entered the small, but charming hotel the desk manager was the friendliest I've ever seen and I realized that having a rich hotel has nothing to do with how one treats customers because this one is obviously cheap and I've never been greeted so warmly before. I almost did not know what to say and he smiled at me caringly. I tried to loosen up but forgot how to. Another ptsd sign. I felt like I was coming across as wrong, and I saw myself as normal looking so it frightened me that my self-image was so uncertain. I was ashamed, but then I let myself be because of my past traumas. It does not matter how foolish this guy sees me- as long as I am nice. I smiled at him and thanked him for his help. He said sure genuinely, and wheezed again because he must have had a cold. Maybe the people in this town are less inhibited because of the smaller population.

       In the room I discovered that I was not as tied to not knowing the schedule and feeling out of sorts from travel, I still felt good about life. This was a new confidence. I felt excitement and wonder about our good fortune of getting such a pleasant room and our non-eventful aside from some traffic and one annoyance on each of our part. As we ate our makeshift suppers of a sandwich, salad, chips, and nuts, My toddler made us laugh with her naming each food on her own and wanting to take part in it. Then as we showered she joined each of us and got all messy with soap it was cute. We all fell asleep in the queen size bed, with her kicking my husband at first, which he laughed about and hugged her and I enjoyed that, and then she nestled comfortably between us. Exhaustion from the travel kicked in, and although she woke up from loud annoying noise from some rusty truck at 4, she fell back asleep. I felt like she was secure with me there, even though before she fell asleep there was extreme crying and not wanting to look at me. I guessed it was from my lack of attention on her in the car, because she needs a lot of it all the time as my husband said to me. I also am worried about her new obsession with "songs" meaning toddler videos that I let her watch sometimes and she asks for them all day now. 

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